a curious case
She liked things organized... neat, simple, yet meaningful. I think she was so obsessed with order and organization in her life because maybe growing up there was none or not much given to her... so maybe she associates negative emotions with people or situations that lack attention to detail (ie-unorganized, lazy, etc.) She came across to people as a busy, save the world, go get em person... she also came across as a very nice, kind and intentional person who would care deeply for you if you were closer friends. It was like this because of the little things she'd do for people... for example, if you mentioned that you like something she would make you a card or some sort of craft or baking good that represented what you liked. She definitely did the out of the box little things for people that caught you off guard... and because they caught you off guard you were more likely to remember her. She had a lot of friendships all over the country that she worked on once a week and her closer friendship she worked on everyday. She was definitely a people person... however, she rarely exposed her true self to anyone... I was one of the few who discovered this... and yet I still never discovered it all... or fully understood it for that matter.
"She makes her cookies, her sorbet punch and her colourful book... it's hard to tell but in the end she's just a crook."
She was very accommodating in certain ways that made such an impression so the things she forgot to do never crossed your mind because you were so taken by her antics. She was set on finding what she wanted but she never knew what that was. In turn, because she could never find what she wanted, she unintentionally blamed others for pulling her down. She did this a lot... she would say that she always felt that she was the one who kept having to do all the work in her relationships... but the work she was doing was the wrong kind and too much of it. She held everyone to unachievable high expectations and when they failed to meet these expectations she felt let down... you might think one should know what ought to be and what should not, but in her case she believed that there was nothing she was doing to deserve these troubles and that is was everyone else who were the cause of her pain. She was deeply troubled because time and time again she never got the attention that she wanted. Was it too much attention to ask for? probably, but she was neglected early on.
I couldn't give this unattainable attention and care to her... I tried and I never left nor did I give up... but it came to the point where my supports were no longer valued... for she pushed them away. She was never used to anyone taking a chance on her so when it go to a certain point of intimacy she left... maybe she felt like she had been hiding or protecting herself or maybe she was still healing and need more healing... but she left. I think it's a trend for her... I think she has a track record of this sort of thing... as soon as she gets too close she leaves... in my case she didn't just leave she found someone else and neglected to inform me about him... regardless of her dysfunctions and twisted logic the two of us experienced that deep intimate moment... one of those moments when nothing else in the world exists but the two of you and the sparks the fly between. I can no longer recall that memory but I do remember what it was... I know it was a good memory but it has no value anymore... the spirit of the memory left with her. When you're betrayed by someone who holds so much of you in their hands... they can never be seen the same way as they did before. The girl I fell in love with has disappeared forever... and because it was betrayal, it was almost easier to accept because that love/affection/attraction vanishes. If I was ever sad about it all it was because I was upset about not being able to miss her at all... not being able to want to be back with her... those feelings were gone and if I missed anything it was missing those feelings of wanting someone who wants you... but that will never leave you, i think you find that throughout the course of life.







