a curious case

She was that friend of a friend who's life always seemed more exciting then the rest of ours... but that's only because we new little about her. From the few times that we met I knew that she was quite ambitious and seemed very interesting from an outsiders point of view but also very intimidating for she was a good looking girl and held an air of confidence. That was years ago, however, not too long ago i took the opportunity to know her a lot more than I had ever known.

She liked things organized... neat, simple, yet meaningful. I think she was so obsessed with order and organization in her life because maybe growing up there was none or not much given to her... so maybe she associates negative emotions with people or situations that lack attention to detail (ie-unorganized, lazy, etc.) She came across to people as a busy, save the world, go get em person... she also came across as a very nice, kind and intentional person who would care deeply for you if you were closer friends. It was like this because of the little things she'd do for people... for example, if you mentioned that you like something she would make you a card or some sort of craft or baking good that represented what you liked. She definitely did the out of the box little things for people that caught you off guard... and because they caught you off guard you were more likely to remember her. She had a lot of friendships all over the country that she worked on once a week and her closer friendship she worked on everyday. She was definitely a people person... however, she rarely exposed her true self to anyone... I was one of the few who discovered this... and yet I still never discovered it all... or fully understood it for that matter.

"She makes her cookies, her sorbet punch and her colourful book... it's hard to tell but in the end she's just a crook."

She was very accommodating in certain ways that made such an impression so the things she forgot to do never crossed your mind because you were so taken by her antics. She was set on finding what she wanted but she never knew what that was. In turn, because she could never find what she wanted, she unintentionally blamed others for pulling her down. She did this a lot... she would say that she always felt that she was the one who kept having to do all the work in her relationships... but the work she was doing was the wrong kind and too much of it. She held everyone to unachievable high expectations and when they failed to meet these expectations she felt let down... you might think one should know what ought to be and what should not, but in her case she believed that there was nothing she was doing to deserve these troubles and that is was everyone else who were the cause of her pain. She was deeply troubled because time and time again she never got the attention that she wanted. Was it too much attention to ask for? probably, but she was neglected early on.

I couldn't give this unattainable attention and care to her... I tried and I never left nor did I give up... but it came to the point where my supports were no longer valued... for she pushed them away. She was never used to anyone taking a chance on her so when it go to a certain point of intimacy she left... maybe she felt like she had been hiding or protecting herself or maybe she was still healing and need more healing... but she left. I think it's a trend for her... I think she has a track record of this sort of thing... as soon as she gets too close she leaves... in my case she didn't just leave she found someone else and neglected to inform me about him... regardless of her dysfunctions and twisted logic the two of us experienced that deep intimate moment... one of those moments when nothing else in the world exists but the two of you and the sparks the fly between. I can no longer recall that memory but I do remember what it was... I know it was a good memory but it has no value anymore... the spirit of the memory left with her. When you're betrayed by someone who holds so much of you in their hands... they can never be seen the same way as they did before. The girl I fell in love with has disappeared forever... and because it was betrayal, it was almost easier to accept because that love/affection/attraction vanishes. If I was ever sad about it all it was because I was upset about not being able to miss her at all... not being able to want to be back with her... those feelings were gone and if I missed anything it was missing those feelings of wanting someone who wants you... but that will never leave you, i think you find that throughout the course of life.

a star has fallen

Michael Joseph Jackson has passed away... My previous post was about music and the emotions and inspirations that it generates... I mentioned that I grew up with a dad who showed me the soul in Motown... well that soul was Michael Jackson. I remember hearing the Jackson 5 as a kid and Michael's "off the wall" album and of course "thriller"... i grew up on Michael Jackson... He was our Elvis. Despite all the controversy, I remember Michael Jackson for the talent and entertainment he gave to the world. My favorite Michael Jackson to remember was 1983 Michael... that's when Motown 25 aired on TV and my Pops recorded it on VHS(can't believe that's old school now). At least every year we sit down and watch Motown 25; it was on that TV special that Michael busted out the Moonwalk on national television for the first time... every time i watch I get chills. This is a brief post and I will definitely write more on what growing up with hearing Michael Jackson meant to me.

Michael Jackson will truly be missed.

Music and me: Extracting pure emotion

A soundtrack can not only recall great moments in movies but also great moments in life when we watched those movies. When I listen to certain soundtracks I remember the things I was going through in life during that time back when I watched the movie or heard the soundtrack for the first time. It’s like reading back in a journal; I still do that with this blog every so often. Reflecting back on the things we went through and how we came out of them is a great way of reaffirming who we are and how far we’ve come. In some cases it reminds us of how great things used to be… I have a bunch of soundtracks that bring me back to a place when I felt the most peace in life. It’s a part of the reason why I listen to some soundtracks because I know getting back to that peace is obtainable and sometimes when things get heavy all we need is a good reminder. My soundtracks help me to get back to those peaceful places and not only do they represent good times and good feelings but for me they extract pure emotions.

In order for clarity in life we need pure emotions and pure intentions because the moment we try to ignore the truth is the moment we begin to believe the lies we tell ourselves to mask the real issues. If you’ve read any of my previous entries you know that I am always striving and searching for peace and in my search I have discovered (and still am discovering) that in order to find peace you must confront the real you. Sometimes we don’t want to confront the real us because it’s a lot of work and it can also be quite frightening when realizing that we’ve become someone we never wanted become. I find that for me, to get back to peace requires a journey through my personal layers and to ask myself who I am. And to get there also requires facing and embracing those deep heart-wrenching emotions.

The music that I have collected over the years has been based on those emotions… I find it important to dive head first into these emotions and experience them to the fullest. My thoughts, memories, and emotions play through my head like an epic movie and my music is a carefully selected soundtrack. It is amazing how powerful music can be when it touches your soul and inspires you to greater heights. The right music can amplify and define your mood and help you address the good and bad for the better. When I feel like crap the best music is the sorrowful ballads and compositions… Dallas Green said in an interview on why his music is always sad is because to him sad songs are always honest and true. He’s right about sad songs and even sentimental orchestrated pieces, and it’s true because they confront the ugly and make it beautiful. When we are down and out the things people want the most are things that are certain and secure… and truth is an affirmation of life; music can capture that and it’s what makes it so attractive and appealing. Music is therapy and it’s been my best friend for years.

The story of music and me

For the last 15 years composed movie soundtracks have played a big role in my life. Music in general has always been a huge interest for me. I grew up with a dad who showed me the soul in Motown and a mom who showed me the comfort in the sounds of a guitar and soft voices. But in 1995 I discovered my first composed movie soundtrack, “Braveheart.” At the time I was 10 years old and my folks wouldn’t let me watch the movie because of all the violence and gore. One night my parents watched it in the living room after I had gone to bed, however, I snuck out and hid behind the wall that separated the hallway from the living room. Sitting behind that wall I could only hear the movie and its beautiful soundtrack; I didn’t need to see the screen because the music was good enough. I eventually was allowed to watch the movie as I used the education card pleading my case that it was 14^th century history.

For Christmas that year my folks bought me the soundtrack and I fell asleep to it almost every night; it’s been in my collection ever since. Once I had a taste of James Horner’s collaboration with the London symphony orchestra I moved on to other soundtracks like Danny Elfman’s work on Mission Impossible. I used to set up army men on my window sill and listen to a certain track that had a sense of victory and defeat; it went hand in hand with my creative imagination as a kid.

Years later the collection started to pile up as half of my cd collection was compiled of movie soundtracks. In no particular order here are some: Gladiator, troy, lord of the rings, meet joe black, signs, the green mile, pride and prejudice, the fountain, king kong, Cinderella man, lost, babel, road to perdition, kingdom of heaven, Friday night lights, half nelson, somewhere in time, platoon, superman returns, finding neverland, the beach, oceans 11, a new world, heat, munich, legends of the fall, finding nemo, the shawshank redemption, suite from my best friend’s wedding, the yards, Edward scissor hands, vanilla sky, and so many more.

I’ve also found other piece by searching connections from movie trailers (two steps from hell composers, explosions in the sky), video games (shadow of the colossus, halo), commercials (Sirius radio by fear of music), etc. I’ve also found other bands through movies that have been featured that sport a more instrumental sound. Bands like explosions in the sky and sigur ros which are amazing on their own.

Read the next article to explore a more deeper relationship between music and me.

To whom much is given...

I was just listening to some Kanye and he spat a verse quoting the famous "To whom much is given much is tested." So it got me thinking... that's got some weight to it. When you first glance at this saying you see the responsibility slice of the pie slide out. I see it initially as: here's are these gifts/qualities that have been given to you and when you use them they benefit humanity. These things can sometimes be seen as chores but they are in full bloom when they are practiced. The act of "activating" these gifts is found laying on the shelf of righteous and humble pride.
I also see this saying applying to our everyday windows and doors that open for us. Sometimes we ask for answers and solutions and complain when we cannot see them but in reality we're given the opportunities to discover them ourselves. So when I hear a quote like "to whom much is given..." I imagine a perfect opportunity that contains "MUCH" potential and when it appears in front of you it is a "TEST" wishing for you to partake in reaping the fruits of its labor. I can think of many opportunities that I've walked away from because of plain old apathy... but life is about so much more and it's like feast for a king gone to waste. I like thinking about things that ought to be and things regarding our responsibilities in this life... it feels rewarding knowing that there are a million things that you are meant to do... it feels great knowing that someone that you've connected with took the "TEST" and because of that you've benefited from it. I like to think that we are all supposed to be there for certain folk... it's our intrinsic healing qualities through human interaction. I know this might sounds a little left field but there are those times when you feel real good talking with someone... like, this is people healing people.

CHINA STORY 2 (stranded Jay)

yes it's been quite some time but I am notorious for procrastinating. So this is day 2 of China... it starts off with seeing Greg off at the bus station and venturing off to have my first Chinese breakfast as I mentioned in the first story. So I pretty much wandered around but not too much because it felt uber-weird walking through a non tourist area with everyone staring at me... I bet they were all thinking "look at this Quai Lo! he's gotta be lost!" So for the rest of the day I went back to the apartment and watched "the wire" on my 32gig itouch (which was later pick-pocketed off of me on the subway) for a couple of hours until Greg got home. After a while it was Greg, Jessy and I in the main room casually talking about Jay's flight and when it arrives... I originally thought Jay arrived a day later than I did but Greg was convinced that Jay told him it was 2 days later because of the time difference. I was still thinking Canada time and just agreed with Greg... but then after a little more thought it didn't make sence. So we were all worried that if Jay was arriving the day after I arrived (present day) than that would mean he's be already landed, in fact he'd be waiting for a good 3 hours already. However, Greg still thought it was the next day that Jay was to land so we went to search for an interet cafe so that Greg could check his email. That took some time and we eventually figured out that Jay had been waiting for a good 4 hours! So we booked it to the airport on the subway and found Jay sitting on luggage cart in the middle of the lobby with his head down. Despite a horribly long flight and a 6 hour period of not knowing what was going to happen Jay was still in good spirits but weathered nonetheless. So we ate some MI DONG LAO(McD's) and went back to the apartment while grabing some Pi Jiou for a little night cap, gan bai!

I'm not there for you...

I've been searching for a girl... not necessarily THE girl but a girl who fits the part. I don't like forcing things to happen for the sake of having someone around. I mean it's nice to have someone who is really into you but if I'm not there emotionally and relationally then it's no good... because underneath I'm still searching for someone else.

I've started to meet more girls over the past month or so and it's been interesting... I've got to say, if I can take anything from recent experiences it's that you really need to connect, get to know each other better and find a way to meet in the middle. I feel bad for a couple of girls that I started to pursue... I'm not one to give the bad news, in fact in the past it's been the other way around. One girl was really nice, collected, shy, and had a gentle soul... she was attractive and came from a wonderful family... but I knew that we didn't fit; there was no real chemistry or rather I wasn't feeling it. I know the feeling when I like a girl, the nervousness is in effect and I mess up my words. This obviously dissipates once the relationship takes off but with these situations I just wasn't feeling it. So after some contemplating and evaluating I determine it would be worse to drag it out... so I end it. I know that it's just dating and I definitely have no intentions of taking advantage of these situations, but I just can't help but feel bad. A part of it could be that I've been crushed before and I know how crappy that feels.

It's so hard to find someone to fit the part, someone who meshes just right with you... and that doesn't mean "soul mates" but having the RIGHT connection. And it's tempting to compromise your own values just for someone that looks right, but when that happens you're brewing the wrong whiskey... and it's wrong from the start. It's important to me not to settle. Some people might say that's being picky but I might not want "good enough" what if I want extraordinary... I don't think that impossible, it just requires patience.


ps - I know I am extremely late on the china stories but they're coming.