WARNING: Rant involving unsorted thoughts and full circle conclusions... I eventually answers my own questions.

Wants and needs. Desire and necessity. Dreams and reality. There are things that I want... call it the pursuit of happiness. Or call it dreaming. Some believe that to dream is a waste of time and it would not be wise to invest in dreams. Others believe that it is dreams that give us hope or at least they give us some sort of comfort that will provide strength to carry on whether those dreams come true or not.

If we look at our lives as individual cases in society do we fit into categories or do we determine where we think we belong? Maybe we choose to travel here and there on the map of society or maybe that is just another category of its own. Is it important to uphold our unofficial duties as citizens of society or is there more than just a mold we fit in? I'd like to think that there is valor in pursuing dreams but it seems that in order to pursue a dream one must submit to the duties or at least choose one of the many categories in it. Some people speak of taking hold of our rightful freedom, letting go, releasing our bonds to experience the freedom of dreaming and greater heights. However, I fear that to be completely set apart from conforming is also an act of alienating one's self. Can an individual be completely free and still dwell in a world constrained with chains? Or is there some sort of balance that can be achieved in order to find freedom?

It's most likely just laziness but I've always grudged the demands of our society. Let me expand... from childhood to adolescence to adulthood there is a certain process or criteria that is established (pertaining mostly to western culture). The people that refuse to accept this or the ones that for some reason experienced different seem to be the ones that fall through the gaps. Take our education system for example... (note: I am not talking about the content or quality of our education system but it's role as a tool in society) Kids are taught/told how they should fit in the world after high school. I'm not saying they're trying to make robots but there are unofficial rules of how to belong to our society. And if you don't follow these rules you most likely will end up in the dark fringe category like the homeless population or the drug and crime world. You never hear about anyone who got ahead in life for not wanting to work. School is about educating our youth but it's also about labeling job titles on kids. Now I realize that in order for growth society's wheels need to be turning and people need to choose a seat of their choice. However, sometimes that choice is limited.

I guess I'm speaking from the point of view of the working class. I wasn't born into money so I have to work for it and they are so many more who are worse off than me and they are out there having to work way harder just to get by. Doesn't that seem depressing? Doesn't that feel horrible to know that in order to live people have to wear these social bonds? On the other hand I guess we all have to play our part and there is no point in complaining because that's just the way things go.

Sometimes I just can't help but look at it this way... knowing that our choices are limited. And maybe the freedom and the dreaming I was mentioning earlier is meant to be a inner journey. So I guess it's really all about how you see things... so for the sake of our own sanity it is necessary that we look through the right lens. And please don't tell me I've got "a bad case of the mondays"... that's just annoying.

Really... I think that for the most part we just zone out or distract ourselves with mindless entertainment in order to carry on. I won't say we're numb because that just makes us sound like zombies but I will say that people constantly use entertainment (or even drugs and alcohol for that matter or even crime... heck pretty much anything) as anesthetics so that we don't have to face the reality of the way things are. Cus if you think about it too much (like I'm doing right now) you just get frustrated, which takes you nowhere. So don't worry about me, I'm just ranting, I'll make sure to take my own advice;)

POST RANT: Just wanted to drop a recap on the dream part of what I was saying. For those of you who love to dream and think it's important... don't stop. Dreams are where we find comfort, inspiration and peace. Society needs dreamers just as much as (or even more than) any of the many categories.

shimmering leaves

I hate having to say goodbye to the leaves on the trees every year this time. Seeing leaves on a tree is always a comforting image... they're so full of life, especially when the wind blows through them and they shimmer from the sun. It's funny how we use the word "leave" to describe parting from something and "leaves" as the plural of leaf... and a leaf has such a short life span and eventually gets blown away when it dies. The fall hasn't blown away the leaves yet but you know the time's coming. So when I take a nice drive or walk I take in as much of their beauty as I can because I know they won't be around for long. It feels like recently my family has had to say goodbye a lot...

My father had to say goodbye to his golden retriever this summer... That was hard because he became so close to that dog; we all loved it but my pops especially loved it... they were good friends, you know?

I had to say goodbye to a relationship that wasn't meant to be... it's not that I regret saying goodbye but it still creates a void when you remove something from your life. And a decision that I made, which led me to saying goodbye, also made me say goodbye to a potential relationship and the chance of re-salvaging anything.

My littlest brother Evan had to say goodbye to his hampster Ozzy. We never though that he would have taken it so hard because he never played with it that often... but he cried and cried over the loss of his pet. I think he felt that it was his fault because he neglected it so much, however, we reassured him that it wasn't his fault... but a good lesson for him to appreciate things better and not to take them for granted.

My mom had to say goodbye to her mother... we all had to say goodbye to grandma but for my mother it was her goodbye that was the most important. To say goodbye to a grandparent is a hard thing but to say goodbye to a parent is an even harder thing. I will never know until the day comes for me how hard it is to say goodbye to the people who have known you your whole life... not only known you your whole life but have poured their best efforts and love into your life. And seeing my mother cry is hard but seeing her over her mother's body grieving the loss is heartbreaking. I can't imagine the day when my parents go... they mean so much to me.

So we remember the leaves in our lives that have been taken by the wind and we remember how they shimmered in the light... and how warm and alive they made us feel. It's important that we take time out our busy lives to stop and reflect and appreciate the leaves in our lives and how beautiful the are.

wise words

As you know I love movies, and some movies that I love are just great pieces of art that are undeniably well made. However, a lot of movies that I love, I love because I connect with them on a deeper level. What I mean is, a movie could fall into the undesirable category but I might love it because it touches on something that I love/value. I think a lot of people do that and it's just a matter of personal preference and reference. A lot times a movie will sell me with wise words... I love the character who is the moral compass or possesses the wisdom that all the other characters lack. That character is always a step ahead because of this and the audience is always comforted by a character like that... it's like a feeling of safety.

I'm going to post some of those wise words and great moments from films that I love periodically. So here's some and I'll start with one that I've quoted before...

Film: Meet Joe Black
Character: William Perrish
Age: 65
Profession: Filthy rich Tycoon

Quote (lending advice to daughter): Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.


Film:Garden State
Character:Andrew Largeman
Occupation:a becoming actor


Quote:
Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew Largeman: You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

Quote (to his father): "what I want more then anything in the world, is for it to be OK with you for me to feel something again, even if it's pain."

Film: Gladiator
Character: Maximus
Title: General to the roman army

Quote (conversation between commodus and maximus):
Maximus: I knew a man once who said, "Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back."
Commodus: I wonder, did your friend smile at his own death?
Maximus: You must know. He was your father.

Quote (maximus to his army):
Maximus: Three weeks from now, I will be harvesting my crops. Imagine where you will be, and it will be so. Hold the line! Stay with me! If you find yourself alone, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled. For you are in Elysium, and you're already dead!
Maximus: Brothers, what we do in life... echoes in eternity.

Character: Marcus Aurelius
Title: Emperor of Rome
Quote (conversation between Caesar and maximus):
Maximus: Five thousand of my men are out there in the freezing mud. Three thousand of them are bloodied and cleaved. Two thousand will never leave this place. I will not believe that they fought and died for nothing.
Marcus Aurelius: And what would you believe?
Maximus: They fought for you and for Rome.
Marcus Aurelius: And what is Rome, Maximus?
Maximus: I've seen much of the rest of the world. It is brutal and cruel and dark, Rome is the light.
Marcus Aurelius: Yet you have never been there. You have not seen what it has become. I am dying, Maximus. When a man sees his end... he wants to know there was some purpose to his life. How will the world speak my name in years to come? Will I be known as the philosopher? The warrior? The tyrant...? Or will I be the emperor who gave Rome back her true self? There was once a dream that was Rome. You could only whisper it. Anything more than a whisper and it would vanish... it was so fragile. And I fear that it will not survive the winter.

Character: Proximo
Title: Controls power of small roman province

Quote: "Ultimately, we're all dead men. Sadly, we cannot choose how but, what we can decide is how we meet that end, in order that we are remembered, as men."

500 days of summer

The film 500 Days of Summer is my personal favorite movie of the summer. The film is about boy who meets girl and the 500 days of boy going through all the motions: awkwardness, romance, intimacy, humor, love, pain, depression, self discovery and new beginnings. Tom is our main character, he's an architect at heart but works for a greeting card company and he's a good guy in fact he's a nice guy... I'm gonna digress a little and just say that the ratio of "nice guys" to "jackasses" isn't as off balanced as a lot of girls think. The "nice guy" demographic will for sure appreciate this movie. OK, back to Tom! So Tom is one of those guys (nice guy or not) who believes in love and he meets this girl Summer who is of the opposite thinking. This obviously generates a big problem for Tom but he sticks it out in hope that love will develop. Summer ends the relationship and Tom suffers. Don't worry I'm not giving away the ending you see it in the trailer. The film is a journey of Tom's emotions and discoveries.

There is an abundance of situational humor and personal identity displayed by Tom and Summer. For example there is one scene that takes place the morning after Tom's first night with Summer and you really can't help but laugh and smile. He comes out of his building with a huge goofy grin on his face and starts shaking everyone's hands, fountains shoot up as he walks by, everyone around him starts dancing insinc and cartoon birds land on his shoulder while Hal&oats plays in the background; very much like a Viagra commercial. There's a whole bunch of great little bits about the movie that make you chuckle and that's a part of the reason why I really like this movie. In the beginning of the movie there is a disclaimer that says: "The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental... Especially you Jenny Beckman... Bitch." I laughed really hard at that. Another scene I couldn't stop laughing at was when Tom goes through his depression. He's down and out and everything in the world sucks. So the scene begins with his boss calling him into his office and asks if everything is ok, Tom replies like nothing is wrong with a dead look on his face. So his boss reads him his most recent submitted valentines day card: "Roses are red, violets are blue...[he opens the card]... f*** you, bitch."

I liked how the film uses the same scenes twice to convey both sides of the picture. For example the scenes/montage that represented Tom's thoughts were of Summer looking into the camera. In the first half Tom's voice says things like "I love her crooked teeth. I love the way she smacks her lips. I love her knobby knees. I love her heart-shaped birthmark." Then in the second half the same montage plays except with Tom's voice saying: "I hate her crooked teeth. I hate the way she smacks her lips. I hate her knobby knees. I hate her cockroach birthmark." The same sort of thing happens with scenes that at first don't seem very threatening, in fact, Tom doesn't think much of it so you as the audience don't think too much of it either. However, when the scenes flashback in the second half of the film that's when you see them in their proper light.

The film is also very artistic in a few ways... first off, Tom's sketches are great to see as he's got a fascination with architecture and Joseph Gordon-Levitt does a great job of portraying someone who sees angles artistically. There's a scene where Tom is walking on a street and the backdrop becomes a sketch and everything is slowly erased. My favorite scene is when he takes down all of his stuff off the wall behind his bed which is a massive blackboard (that's going on my list of things I want) and draws out a huge scape of buildings... and then he takes a step back and there's this feeling of completion like when you've got something really important to say and you finally get it off your chest.

Tom says something in the film that rings true I think: "People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated." I know it sounds quite depressing but I think most people will agree that sometimes being alone can be therapeutic at times. And I will say that there is a weird attraction to being miserable... like when you're down all your thoughts are basically "woe is me" and it's pretty selfish but it's almost necessary to feel sorry for yourself in order to exit out of a funk. That could be completely wrong but when you're in it you feel almost comforted when you engulf yourself in those thoughts... you just want to roll around in your own self-pity... it's kinda like crying... sometimes you just have to get the tears out in order to move on.

A big theme in this film is love and the mess it can put you through... When Tom gets dumped he wants her back and it gets ugly for him. There's a scene, that I mentioned earlier, where his little kid sister gives him advice and says: "I know you think she was the one, but I don't. I think you should look back and not just at the good stuff." So Tom thinks about it and the movie flashes back to scenes that we've already seen but by this point you know what to look for... they were all examples of times when Tom wanted to get serious or wanted to get deeper with Summer but each time he tried she either changed the subject or distracted him with her charm. This was her not letting him in and her avoiding her issues. That was the common denominator, each time she would never unveil herself... she was quite guarded. I think love can be developed but it has to be generated from both ends. It's funny to watch Tom go through all of these obsessive behaviors because a lot of guys will know what it's like. I read an article in Esquire magazine a couple of months back and it spoke of love and why we turn into weird people when it happens. The writer agreed to partake in a scientific study about the effects of love and then write about it. So he explains that when people fall in love there is actually a process that occurs that produces a dopium creating addictive tendencies. He uses this to explain for the obsessive and addict like characteristics of someone in love. I mean yeah, when you go through it everything is extreme "she loves me!" or "oh my god she hates me! the world is over!" Take for example that scene I mentioned earlier about the morning after when Tom starts dancing in the streets with birds... I mean he's in a whole different world seeing cartoon birds, sounds like drugs to me, lol. I'm gonna use another scene to back up this scientific explantion of love symptoms and it's when Tom is in the peak of his relationship with summer and everything is just gravy. The scene is of Tom helping out everyone come up with love themed greeting cards cus of course Tom would be an easy help cus he's in love! So he look's into the distance and thinks of Summer and drops an easy "love" card. And everything for Tom is peaches and cream cus he's hooked on that drug... love/crack.

The thing I really like about this movie is the change. And I've said this before... I love movies that have characters who have self-discoveries and changes. Tom goes through a whole mess of changes but in the end he gets it. Like when he quits his job and tries to become an architech... something clicks for him and he gets it... he decideds he's no longer going to live the fake life but he's gonna chase after what he really wants. And that's when things start changing and seasons change... which is funny too because near the end of the film he meets Autumn;)

Away we go

From a distance the film "away we go" seems quirky and fun but there's good moments in the film that touch reality and truth. Ya it's a yuppie rom-com and it's cute but it's also so much more than just that... I mean most movie critics are snobs and dismiss the significance in the small things. A lot of film snobs will say that movies like this are just a part of the recent fad or trend and that they just jump on to the backs of the first movies that made the name for this particular genre/fad. What's happening is that their backs are so turned that sometimes these films get overlooked because they glow in a familiar tone that lacks appeal to some critics. This film definitely fits into the recent genre of indie films, however, the film's content are about real issues, real circumstances, and real reactions... isn't that what people have grown to love over the past decade... reality? who cares about what the mob wants or what the critics expect, this movie will connect with you if you allow it. You don't have to have been in these particular circumstances to connect with the film because it's the feelings that we connect with... and there is a lot of feel-good feelings in this film. Ultimately, it's about finding peace or more specifically, finding that place where things are sure thus you are satisfied with the way things are. It's knowing that life is crazy and sure as hell fun! There's a lot of self discovery with the main characters and I love a movie more just because of that... because it's comforting seeing people, whether it be fictitious or true, going through shit and coming out of it wearing a smirk. The couple in the movie realizes things about themselves individually and together as a couple; they see ways they don't want to be like and they create their own "home." There is always a struggle to get there though, and there's a great breaking point in the film and when you watch it you feel the weight being lifted off your shoulders as if it were your own life. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie... however, I also tend to dive as far as I can into movies! But that's what it's all about, for me at least... it's all about getting sentimental or at least allowing an example of real emotion touch your heart. It's softens ones soul and that's always a good thing.

ps - the soundtrack is awesome as well. It's by Alexi Murdoch... I have a couple of his songs on the playlist above.

somewhere in time

I remember I used to love the car ride home from horseshoe bay... especially in the fall. It was overcast and windy but not raining. It was gray but it made me feel like a philosopher and a ponderer... as if time slowed down... ever step, stride and glide... was all in slow mo... that was the feeling. It was picturing myself as a man with so much grief who so longs to escape the noise to just drift off into the distance, away in the wind... to eventually vanish.

There was something about that time and place, you know? I mean, I remember the music i was listening to, I remember the scent of that time and I remember the way it looked, as if it were filmed with a certain lens.

The music at that time was usually slow jams, haha oh ya... those were good times. Slow jams were just right... soft and cool, cus the ladies loved a soft man who could still thug it out. I'm talking players like jagged edge, avant, R.Kelly, Usher, 112... slow ballads, that was my style, with a hint of sorrow and a longing for that one girl who could touch the deepest parts of a man's soul. This was the way of the romantic... we all wanted to be that guy.

That time had a certain scent to it and at sometimes it had many... Fall had a scent of a cold waterfront... and if you could imagine the aroma of fallen leaves... that was it. There was also the familiar car smells, haha... there were a few cars in my life at that time and each of them had a certain scent... you could blindfold me and I could tell you which car I was in just by the musk, lol. There was my dads suburban that smelled like worn leather and yet still maintained a subtle draft of it's original new car smell. I once took it out for a spin without his permission to impress a girl, hahaha, i almost got caught but my neighbor thought I was my dad, lol. There was also my friends cars... there was Greg's integra... oh I loved that car... it had a certain smell that was a good smell but one I couldn't even begin to describe.. it was just Greg's car. Then there was mike's Oldsmobile oh ya that beast smelled like dust and old plastic like my grandfather's car, haha but it was comforting nonetheless. Finally we get to my old car:) which was a 1990 firefly... oh ya, and it's scent was a colour wheel of many scents... This is how the mix went... 1part-exhaust, 1part-cologne, 2parts-dust and a hint of a pretty girl's perfume. Cologne was huge for us back then... actually maybe just for me, lol... but to me it was about image and identity; this was just a glimpse of my cabinet of scents: Calvin Klein's eternity, allure by Chanel, givenchy for men, Armani's acqua di gio, Ralph Lauren's polo sport, and the original Azaro (thank you pops;) Yeah I know you're thinking that's a lot especially for one glimpse of time, but I was hooked on being original and the taken girls would come by to ask what that scent was... sure enough next week their bf's would be sporting my scent, haha. So I kept changing it up just to stay original and fresh; I was very materialistic back then but hey it was fun.

The time was fall, but not fall these days, it was fall the way it used to be. Fall never changed and never will but fall to me looked a whole lot different and that look only exists back then. There were dark colours... earth tones... tan-swede boots, ball caps, jerseys, seanjean jeans, fossil watches and winter jackets. When you stepped out of the car it was brisk and cool and always close to evening. Your collar flips up, your brim slides to the side, you invert your brow, a slight squint and a look off into the distance. Others would glance at this man with wonder and sympathy... I always looked troubled when I walked outside against the wind... it's the most comforting forecast: windy, overcast and cool. This was a movie being filmed in my head and every shot had a similar theme of dark gray and blue... leaves falling or being lifted from the ground... they were quiet, mysterious, sorrowful...

a curious case

She was that friend of a friend who's life always seemed more exciting then the rest of ours... but that's only because we new little about her. From the few times that we met I knew that she was quite ambitious and seemed very interesting from an outsiders point of view but also very intimidating for she was a good looking girl and held an air of confidence. That was years ago, however, not too long ago i took the opportunity to know her a lot more than I had ever known.

She liked things organized... neat, simple, yet meaningful. I think she was so obsessed with order and organization in her life because maybe growing up there was none or not much given to her... so maybe she associates negative emotions with people or situations that lack attention to detail (ie-unorganized, lazy, etc.) She came across to people as a busy, save the world, go get em person... she also came across as a very nice, kind and intentional person who would care deeply for you if you were closer friends. It was like this because of the little things she'd do for people... for example, if you mentioned that you like something she would make you a card or some sort of craft or baking good that represented what you liked. She definitely did the out of the box little things for people that caught you off guard... and because they caught you off guard you were more likely to remember her. She had a lot of friendships all over the country that she worked on once a week and her closer friendship she worked on everyday. She was definitely a people person... however, she rarely exposed her true self to anyone... I was one of the few who discovered this... and yet I still never discovered it all... or fully understood it for that matter.

"She makes her cookies, her sorbet punch and her colourful book... it's hard to tell but in the end she's just a crook."

She was very accommodating in certain ways that made such an impression so the things she forgot to do never crossed your mind because you were so taken by her antics. She was set on finding what she wanted but she never knew what that was. In turn, because she could never find what she wanted, she unintentionally blamed others for pulling her down. She did this a lot... she would say that she always felt that she was the one who kept having to do all the work in her relationships... but the work she was doing was the wrong kind and too much of it. She held everyone to unachievable high expectations and when they failed to meet these expectations she felt let down... you might think one should know what ought to be and what should not, but in her case she believed that there was nothing she was doing to deserve these troubles and that is was everyone else who were the cause of her pain. She was deeply troubled because time and time again she never got the attention that she wanted. Was it too much attention to ask for? probably, but she was neglected early on.

I couldn't give this unattainable attention and care to her... I tried and I never left nor did I give up... but it came to the point where my supports were no longer valued... for she pushed them away. She was never used to anyone taking a chance on her so when it go to a certain point of intimacy she left... maybe she felt like she had been hiding or protecting herself or maybe she was still healing and need more healing... but she left. I think it's a trend for her... I think she has a track record of this sort of thing... as soon as she gets too close she leaves... in my case she didn't just leave she found someone else and neglected to inform me about him... regardless of her dysfunctions and twisted logic the two of us experienced that deep intimate moment... one of those moments when nothing else in the world exists but the two of you and the sparks the fly between. I can no longer recall that memory but I do remember what it was... I know it was a good memory but it has no value anymore... the spirit of the memory left with her. When you're betrayed by someone who holds so much of you in their hands... they can never be seen the same way as they did before. The girl I fell in love with has disappeared forever... and because it was betrayal, it was almost easier to accept because that love/affection/attraction vanishes. If I was ever sad about it all it was because I was upset about not being able to miss her at all... not being able to want to be back with her... those feelings were gone and if I missed anything it was missing those feelings of wanting someone who wants you... but that will never leave you, i think you find that throughout the course of life.