R I S E A B O V E

Re'bel

2011-08-03T01:23:00.000-07:00

I'm just about on schedule to write on this blog again, 6 months is usually the wait but this is like a good 7;)

So I had the ipod on shuffle and came across this song and remembered how much it really spoke to me when I first heard it. So I felt inspired to write what I got from it this time.

"We must destroy in order to rebuild." -Lauryn Hill

When we cry we release tension. We get to a point where we can bear it no longer; something needs to be acknowledged so we express with tears our intrinsic nature. A part of that nature is to overcome. We humans were meant to overcome and conquer. Our growth is essential to our existence. However, to grow as people we must remove the obstacles from our paths. We can become so tangled and lose our focus that we make errors in what we are trying to build. Most times our mistakes are too great to retrace our steps so we have but one solution and, the best... destroy. We can waste our energy by not wanting to give up and get it right, but if we are truly looking out for our best interest we would put aside our pride and start anew. We must admit our mistakes, submit our pride and destroy our mess if we want to rebuild once more.

I find it interesting observing human lives, but not just as subjects but as souls with purpose and lost prophecies. Take for example a man who is designed for great accomplishments but suffers from guilt and shame. He hides and pulls his jacket tight, rarely granting eye contact with any other soul. He was designed to inspire others, to encourage the weak and to fuel the ignited... but he chooses not to.

The people who are most successful in this life, and by successful I mean as people of virtue and value, are recognized because they bear fruit, not shiny plastic fruit but rather wholesome fruit. There are people who achieve wisdom because they were patient, kind, humble; they weren't just granted wisdom for they earned it. They put in the work required to have it.

People like to make conditions of conditions and notions of notions but what they fail to see is all of the consequences. A lot of people cannot see because they are so heavy laden and burdened that they only see what is closest to them which is negativity. And as long as they still bear hope and try to muster whatever faith remains, they will be healed and they will destroy, shake off their dust and rebuild. It is the ones who no longer try, the ones who give up that remain motionless to their demise.

"You have to try, cus is you haven't tried you haven't lived." -William Parrish

Your life is not cheap and will not be disregarded by the one who made it.

When the rain falls it don't fall on one mans house.

Re'bel, from a predictable life. Surprise yourself and recall how strong you actually are.

Re'bel, from the cliques, from what the people say... recognize who you are and put your doubts to rest.

Re'bel. Let it go. Wake up. Choose well.

My true love

2010-12-04T00:59:00.000-08:00

I just read this over and... well by now you should be used to my scattered writing;)

Oh and if you're reading this on Facebook I highly recommend reading this from www.r1seabove.blogspot.com because there's a music player that should start as you start reading. Usually when I write something new I change the song that plays first because it goes with what I wrote about. Right now it's "pursuit of happiness."

Here it is...

Even though it is winter and the Christmas festivities are just beginning... I still miss the summer!

Number one song of the summer: Pursuit of Happiness by Kid Cudi.

Every time I hear that guitar solo 3/4 through the song... it triggers the summer breeze in my mind. Riding down the back roads with the windows down... sunglasses, cigarettes, and flip flops... I know what you're thinking, but I don't smoke anymore. But there's something about driving off to nowhere, windows down, kid cudi blasting, cigarette in hand and not giving a fuck(sorry mom).
There are certain things that just go hand in hand with the summer. The summer is about adventure; hop in the automo and go!

Always make sure you got the essential items in the car... 25 items in fact:

Golf clubs (there's always time for the back 9 or at least the range)
ball shoes (there are outdoor hoops everywhere)
casual shoes (for longer walks)
tennis rackets (2 rackets, now your opponent options are wider)
basketball (no need to explain)
tennis balls (ditto)
extra shorts (not just for sports, you might jump in the ocean/lake and need a dry pair handy)
extra flip flops (doesn't hurt to be prepared)
pair of socks (for the shoes, cus you're already wearing flips)
towel (you get it)
emergency hygiene pack (you never know when good company is gonna cause you to multiply your drink; sleep it off, wake up, bam! essential wake up kit! Or, you might just be in the presence of a lady and need to clean up a little; no harm in keeping fresh.)
flashlight (it's a no brainer)
newspaper (for the fire)
camp fire chair (get comfy)
fire wood (try to find the free wood sites, no need to pay for firewood... unless it's somehow gonna get you points.)
hatchet (you're gonna need it to slice off kindling, aaaand it looks bad ass on your belt.)
fishing rod (every man should have one)
tackle box (besides the necessary items, include beef or salmon jerky)
water (don't wanna be dehydrated)
poncho (I think of Clint eastwood and the dude... actually i don't think he wore one... well it's like a Cali thing, venice beach thing, why not right?)
straw hat (cus it says "don't rush me")
reading material (you might just pull over by a nice scenic area and wanna read)
sketchbook (cus i love to draw)
sudoku (waiting for someone? stay sharp, work on your problem solving)
gandalf pipe and tobacco. (Cus nobody else has one)

Like I said, it's all about adventure! You never know where you're gonna get swept off to... where the wind's gonna take you...

Special things about the summer:
Outdoor basketball at night... especially the lights, there's something about a lit up court on a summer's night.
Boating... being on a boat is probably most enjoyable in the summer... And pretty much everything is that much more special in the summer. Like walking...
Going to the mountains in the summer... the sun is beaming down, there's a warm breeze, the sky is blue with bright white cumulus clouds.
I love being by the water. I love being on water (in a boat of course or flotation device). In water. Out of water but still right beside it, maybe reading a book, or just soaking up some rays:)

It's such a bittersweet relationship we have with the summer, coming in and out of our lives... And we're so welcoming when it comes back... We fall for it every time, only we don't realize our falling until the summer's gone... And then we get really cold about it all... Eventually, the coldness starts to wear off and we get a fresh perspective again... Soon enough she's back again and so convincing... A bittersweet vicious cycle.

I think that's all the summer really is... just some ex-girlfriend that keeps coming back only to let you down again...(at least for locations of four seasons that is). Hmmm, actually that's too depressing for the summer. For me I love the summer, so it could still be like an ex-girlfriend who keeps coming and going only she's just really worth it.... buuuut the summer is always consistent... but I guess so an ex-girlfriend could be as well.
From an outsiders point of view this could seem quite pathetic and, well, a waste of energy. Why not just look elsewhere for what you're heart wants, right?... and now I arrive at my conclusion *click, whistle & snap! Look elsewhere damnit! It's so simple and clear! Somewhere tropical where it's summer pretty much all year round!

Solution: Location, location, location!

this post was completely spontaneous:)

Catharsis

2010-11-17T00:34:00.000-08:00

ca·thar·sis [kuh-thahr-sis] the purging of the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, esp. through certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music.

Recently, I've been thinking about the idea of catharsis, and ultimately, good vs evil. Catharsis seems to represent good... or at least pleasure, a good feeling and how strong that can be. What peaks my interest is the power of one side... as in light vs dark or good vs evil. Maybe I'm biased because I believe in goodness, but then... if I didn't believe in goodness then what's the alternative? Evil? I can see how people can view the world negatively but that would seem to be quite a destructive life if you didn't believe in goodness. I mean, imagine that for a second... to view the world without goodness existing, that there is no such thing as goodness and that any evidence is just fake. Because, it seems to me if you can believe that there is any good in this world, even just an ounce, then there is still hope for goodness. And goodness, whatever degree of it, is imperishable, right? And don't we call bad because it's bad? but I digress.

Anyways, I like this theme of catharsis because it's good and it reinforces growth, happiness, love, all the feel good stuff... humans are greatly motivated by instant gratification and tangible evidence of goodness; we inevitably gravitate towards self satisfaction. I dunno it just seems like a really attractive idea to me. So I pulled a few things from wikipedia about catharsis to generate some thought. It works for me maybe it'll provoke something in you; I love hearing other people's opinions because it helps me form better ones.

From Wikipedia:

"...an extreme change in emotion"

"It has been described as a "purification" or a "purging" of such emotions"

"...such terms as restoration, renewal, and revitalization"

"...a sensation"

"conclusion of a tragedy; namely, the release of pent-up emotion or energy."

"...that purification and cleansing are not proper translations for catharsis; that it should rather be rendered as purgation. 'It is the human soul that is purged of its excessive passions.' -Aristotle"

"Lessing sidesteps the medical aspect of the issue and translates catharsis as a purification, an experience that brings pity and fear into their proper balance: 'In real life,' he explained, 'men are sometimes too much addicted to pity or fear, sometimes too little; tragedy brings them back to a virtuous and happy mean.' Tragedy is then a corrective; through watching tragedy, the audience learns how to feel these emotions at proper levels. Some modern interpreters of the work infer that catharsis is pleasurable, because audience members experience ekstasis (Greek: ἔκστασις – ecstasy) (literally: astonishment, meaning: trance) or, in other words, 'relief,' ensuing from an awareness that, compared with what they have just seen portrayed, their own life is less tragic."

It's interesting that we watch movies and media and just experience them but do we realize why we watch them? or what's subconsciously happening? According to Plato (via wikipedia), Poetry was looked at as a means "to be hysterical and uncontrolled." Aristotle claimed otherwise, saying poetry provides "a healthy outlet" for people's feeling and to "be less controlled by emotion." It's interesting because when I watch movies I generally like them because I can relate at least one aspect of the film to my life... and I feel a sense of recognition in that, which, I guess you could say, reinforces or acts as an affirmation to my experience. A lot of people watch movies and tv as a form of entertainment; now I'm generalizing here, but I don't think most of us realize what is occurring when we watch film/tv/media... in it's simplest form, we participate as an audience member. And there's a lot that one can experience as an audience member psychologically and emotionally that we don't initially consider. Sometimes, we don't even realize it's happening to us and we'll release emotionally on someone else or in some other way. Of course these effects occur depending on the dramaturgical quality and as well as one's personal triggers. What we commonly experience is catharsis; we witness a tragedy and sympathize as well as adopt the displayed emotions. It's kind of like vicarious trauma in that we experience the displayed emotions because they effect us so deeply, again depending on quality and personal factors. What's fascinating is the pleasure we receive from this... I don't think it's perverse, it's more like someone affirming how we are feeling. There is also pleasure found when our feelings are acknowledged... so why do we cry in movies, books, tv, even to music? I think it must be because our feelings are acknowledged, our emotions are recognized, the hurt and pain we've been disguising is now understood, we can let go because we are understood, there's no need to hide... and there is no shame in this release because it's freeing. I think, we humans hide way too much. That's quite a vast statement, but it's interesting that we hide everything... we hide our shame. We don't want to be compared, judged, critiqued... we want our blemishes hidden. And generally, we don't talk about it... I mean that does make sense in that if you have learned to hide a great deal in life that you will be less likely to talk about it. But to actually give in and give up and let go... that is a feeling like no other.

It's peculiar to think about catharsis because it's a result of a struggle between good and evil. To hold back would be to remain with the struggle and the deteriorative consequences that follow. And catharsis only occurs if the outcome is positive. However, the only negative dysfunction I could see occurring is the abuse of the practice... for example, through releasing one feels good and this process might encourage one to purposely force a re-occurrence to experience the pleasure of Catharsis. However, I guess if that were the case then it wouldn't be an authentic catharsis? Or maybe not a full catharsis, particularly if the pent-up emotions are hidden behind the so-called "catharsis." I think if we don't fully release and reveal then it won't work and it won't be worth it. This is one thing that I usually think to myself... If in any instances where I find myself considering a poor choice (usually in attempts to find some sort of short cut) almost always do I consider the pros and cons. Now I know that sounds pompous and please do not translate this as an ostentatious remark... If you know me personally, I tend to take my time thinking far too much about matters that require little thought... but when an opportunity arises to make a good or bad decision I usually think to myself how it will benefit me in the short and long term. A lot of times it's a matter of personal gratification and satisfaction. Whether right or wrong it's what makes sense to me. So on a scale of good and bad, if a decisions of withholding or hiding shame causes more grief down the road then it is a bad decision and a poor choice. What motivates me, however, is not necessarily the selfish desires but goodness and the mystique of goodness. It's makes me curious to explore the idea of one side conquering the other, good vs evil... why? It's a positive curiosity I think because it all kinda feels right. Like the idea of light versus darkness, the light will always win because it can change darkness and darkness cannot change light. I've thought about it and it would have to be an object to block light, so that wouldn't be darkness... like darkness seems to be birthed from light, does that make sense? I mean for one, there's no darkness without light, but also, darkness is the absence of light right? Light is a source; darkness is not. Bear with me right now because I'm processing my thoughts as I'm writing. Ok, so imagine an empty room, and in one of the corners is a light and this light hits every bit of surface in the room... there is no darkness... the only way to obtain any shade is to add an object to the room. This sounds like creation doesn't it? Say for example, we add a couple of human beings and a tree;) But seriously that makes sense doesn't it? It's almost like how they say "the flesh causes darkness" or "we need to kill our flesh"... Just thinking out loud here, so let's talk creation: God is the source, the light, and when the earth and humanity are created there must be shadows created as well. I mean if you can think of God being a source like light, you can see that what humans are created with are spirits or inner lights... so maybe when we read about "dying to self" or "killing the flesh" and "not being of the world" or even "don't hide your light under a bushel," it refers to not hiding behind flesh or the world but living free. But this only exists because we need to experience to understand so catharsis is our way of understanding and our method of emotional, spiritual and personal freedom. In a way or in my little room scenario it seems to work... I mean, yes it's a very simple idea but it seems to fit. It's possible that I'm not seeing every angle here so let me know if you see a different angle. I'd rather hear what other people think than just state opinions. Even though I just stated a whole bunch;)

Perspective

2010-10-19T00:29:00.000-07:00

This post is about choices... particularly how I should be making them.

Now I said something in my last post that was a little unclear, even to me. A lot of times my writing is very scattered and written in portions over time so sometimes I might write out of context or come to a better conclusion later, but hey that's life right? Anyways what I said that I'd like to clear up is this: "Even if we choose to respond the right way to the hit, the trauma still occurs; the trauma still lingers."

I don't think trauma will always stay with us. I think it has the ability to linger and fester for a long time, however, that's completely up to you. Now don't get me wrong, I know trauma can be quite intense and strong but it is still up to the person to decide how the trauma is dealt with. The healing is completely decided by you. I think sometimes we have the tendency to view trauma and hurt as something that has control over us as if it were some sort of living and breathing entity. I'm not saying it's not real I'm saying it's our reaction to trauma that creates something more than it actually is. It may feel like trauma/hurt has control over you but ultimately we have the ability to respond however which way we want. Typically, and I'm sure it's proven, that we naturally react certain ways to traumatic events but that doesn't mean we remain that way; we can choose to change.

I believe that it's all about choices... and perspective.

I used a simple illustration in a previous post regarding perspective that involved painting. Every painter knows that you must take a step back and look at your painting from afar during the process, otherwise you loose perspective and things won't look right. You see, there are so many details that need to be put right and the eye can pick up errors so good, however, the only way to see all of the errors is to stand back and look at them from a distance. I personally like details, and I like them so much that I get caught up in spending too much time zoomed in and, of course, as soon as I zoom out something is out of scale, light, color, etc.

I need to use this practice in life more often than I actually do. There are so many situations in life where I know I should have used this tactic. If you can look at yourself from a distance you can see what you're doing wrong, how you sound, your body language and just to hear yourself say something can seem completely different than how you imagined it to sound. Sometimes we say things without even thinking about them before we say them... that's a discipline that is not just granted. It's always difficult to censor what you're about to say especially when you're distracted by emotions.

I was having a really good conversation with a really good friend of mine the other day... and it was funny because we both shared our problems or concerns on life issues and essentially gave each other the same advice in the end. A good laugh was shared and we both realized how important perspective can be...

A lot of times I think my problems will come back to haunt me... I think that has to do with letting go. It's hard to let go because encountering hurt and trauma is not an easy task. As I mentioned earlier it's up to us to decided what we do with these encounters. They will come back to haunt us if we believe they will. By believing that these things will always affect us is giving power to the lie. If I say it's gonna take me a long time to heal then it's gonna take a long time to heal. And it's so hard to maintain a mental strength especially when there's negative force occurring...

Now I'm gonna take a trip down spiritual lane... I don't like talking about this casually because it's a delicate topic and one that has been thrown around carelessly. But this is something that I could be a lot more bold about, so I'm going to be careful not to step on any toes. I personally believe that our hurt in life is greatly affected by negative force or let's just say it, an evil force. By what we see happening in the world can you honestly say to yourself that there is no such thing as evil? I think man is swayed by such a force that it drives him to unbelievable lows. And I think what clouds our judgment is negative force. What brings a man to abandon all rationality and embrace darkness? But let us not forget that the choice still remain ours. This reminds me of a scene in the movie Inception where the main characters are trying to come up with a way to convince their subject of a foreign idea. One the characters suggest they use a negative memory to sway the subject's opinion, however, the main character corrects him and states that a positive always trumps a negative. We gravitate more to positive themes like redemption, freedom, righteousness... love. I heard someone say once that between darkness and light only one of the two can change the other, and that's light. Light illuminates life. Light allows us to see. Have you ever stood outside on a summer afternoon, closed your eyes, and faced the sun? Imagine yourself doing that now or if the sun's out now go out and do it... feel the rays cascading down on your face... feels good doesn't it?

This is the way I see it: we are good people but swayed by a negative force. However, if we grasp the light it will show what is hurting us, then we can use the light to clear up our darkness. Negative force is all around us... some people get labeled as grouchy, bitchy, sharp, douche bags, stick up the ass type people, etc. A lot of times we say that's just the way these people are or that's just their personalities but if you take a step back, shine some light on it, you'll see that they're just people who are hurting. It may seem at times that there is so much darkness, but the truth is, there's always more light and it's stronger.

Life is all about choices. The best ones are seen in the light, along with perspective.

I don't belong down here

2010-10-17T03:52:00.000-07:00

I was writing this a couple of months ago when I saw the trailer for a documentary/mockumemtary called "I'm Still Here."For those who don't know it was a big hoax, however, when I watched the trailer I was expecting to laugh at how ridiculous the whole thing was but instead it surprised me and touched on a deeper root. I just really liked what the guy says in the trailer so this is a fixed summary of what I took from it.

"This is you, drops of water... you're a mountain top water drop, but you slid down the mountain into the valley and amongst the streams and the rivers. You say to yourself "I'm a mountain top water drop... I don't belong down here." Then one day it gets hot and you start evaporating, you rise high up into the sky, higher than any mountain top. Then you understand that it was at you lowest that you were closest to God. So if it's change you're looking for, relish the journey."

I like the idea of being made from a higher source and ultimately being made for a higher purpose...

I don't belong down here... I don't think I'll ever feel quite right until I reach my destination, but my destination is so high. It's difficult to see how I am ever going to make the climb... it's a big mountain to climb. Sometimes I can't take it living down here... I'm so miserable... I'm so starved. If all I knew was this place then I would be content, but I dream of a place where I'm supposed to be... and I can see it exists... what am I doing down here? what do I have to do to get up there where I belong?

I feel like I will never be satisfied until I reach a state of personal success, personal potential and ultimately a better understanding of happiness. There's a height I wish to reach... but more so a height that I'm supposed to reach. Some believe that everyone has a place where they will fit... if that's true then I don't belong down here. I don't mean height superficially but it's a place in my mind/soul where I will do my best, where I will be utilized to my capacity, where I will be happiest. Happiness is an idea, a state of mind, and when I reach my height I will have a better grasp of that idea. I need to feel utilized as a contributor to this world. It's as if right now the mechanic is looking for the right tool but can't find it... because I'm hiding?... or maybe I'm still in development?

20 years from now who will I be? I'd like to think in 20 years I'll have answered my questions I have now or at least a better understanding of who I am. I'd rather think about this without a limit of time and understand it as a matter of who I will be opposed to who I am now. I guess you could say this touches on purpose... will I be better than I am now? I hope so. I'd like to think I have an understanding of how I am known to the people who know me. The way I see it is good, but needs improving. And yes, you can say that for everyone but I think it's a matter of what you're willing to do about it. Any person is capable of improving, however, some are either stubborn, unaware, scared, etc or all of the above. And it's the choices I make that will generate the man I will be down the road. Will I be "a man of value" as Einstein said or will I be a man driven by selfish desires? We never know what we're capable of until we've done it. We can never account for the curve balls that life throws at us and depending on the intensity of the pitch we don't know if we will either react or respond to them. I think most of us would prefer to have the ability to slow down time and think about our decisions... they can happen so fast. We also don't know how or if we will fully recover from life's hard blows. Even if we choose to respond the right way to the hit, the trauma still occurs; the trauma still lingers. Will I be as resilient as I think I will be? How do I prepare myself? I think the answers are in my choices. And this is leading into another blog I'm planning to write so I'll save this topic of "Choices" for another post;)

PS- When I say I don't belong down here it's not statement of pride as in thinking I'm better than the people around me... it's more of a measure of myself. What am I doing down here at this low level of capacity when I have so much more to achieve? It's more of a "get off your ass and start living" sort of thing.

And I understand that it's not a snap of the fingers and instantly I'm there. I realize that there's life to live and experience to learn from before I get there. I think the main thing to change, as I mentioned earlier, is how I choose to think about it.

more thoughts on the way.

lost scrolls issue:1

2010-09-16T17:06:00.000-07:00

This seems like a trend for me... there are times within the year when I'm just in the right place to blog and then I get in a place where I get clouded... but not clouded to write, I still write I just don't feel content with what I'm writing about. Sometimes I write an opinion and I think to myself "this is what I'm feeling but I know it's not what I believe." I think that's because I have a hard time lying to myself... I feel if I'm experiencing something negative that I should know better than to give in the falsities that come with it. So I'll write what I'm feeling but I always know better (or so I hope). And I guess that's what my blog's about... a human experience shared. So my fear in publishing these writings to the blog are that people will misinterpret or misunderstand my process or what I mean. Since I haven't posted anything in the last 6 months I'm going to be posting some "lost" writings. Here's one of many... some I may not post due to their intensity.

it's the feeling of loosing control. loosing someone who you put a great deal of love and effort into. it;s the feeling of having a bond of earnest love and trust being taken away from you against your will. It's the feeling of longing for something so bad but not being able to have it. It's the feeling of being wrong-done... of being betrayed... confusions and mixed emotions. It's the irritation of not being able to shake that feeling. It's the frustration of clouded vision. It's the regret of accepting grief and bitterness's invitation. It's the feeling of no motivation... when hope is thin and faith is gray. It's knowing that you're better than this but yet you remain. It's the feeling of wanting to be jaded, miserable and apathetic. Just leave me be... I'll take this one alone... maybe in order to flee this dark cloud I need to walk this trail alone.

A little dark... more to come.

25

2010-03-05T16:41:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: I don't want to come off as if my issues are worse than others. On some scale I guess you could measure the severity of people's issues... but the way I measure severity of a situation is by how that person receives it and reacts or responds to it. And only that person knows how great of an impact it has on them. We forget to be sensitive to a person's heart and judge them by our standards. The smallest thing to one person could be life impacting to another and you would never know it.

25 years... that's more than a quarter of my life... when I look back on my life so far i don't see monumental things, but some things that may not appear to be monumental are the things that mean more to me than anyone else would understand. Sometimes I feel like it's been a slow uptake... but that's only when I compare my life to some unspoken standard. It's funny when I recall the issues I dealt with years ago and how I thought at the time that they were so heavy that I couldn't handle them... but I dealt with them and as the years went by the heavier issues seemed to be. In fact, every year a new and more challenging problem occurs and it's always more challenging as time goes on.

2009 was by far my worst year yet... I'm still brushing off bits of dirt that's left over. Shit I went through as a teenager seemed so colossal at the time... I used to think so absolute and in extremes back then like "I'm leaving home and not looking back" or being so pissed off with the way things were and losing hope about the future. I would camp out in my room and watch introspective movies; whenever I was upset all I wanted was to do absolutely nothing but watch movies and have no agenda. That was my biggest dream growing up was just to have no criteria to meet and to just be able to do what I want with my time, no hassle no worries. However, I knew that wasn't reality and that to really appreciate life you have to work at it. But I will say that I have always had beef with the unspoken rules of society, like "they" tell you that you have to do things "this way." I've always watched certain movies and listened to particular music that goes with my current frustrations... it's always been a gift and a curse.

I look back and think that I would totally trade those issues with my more recent ones... but then I really examine the way things went and see that those struggles were necessary and that each one of them changed me whether it was for better or worse... I would say I've come out of them in a positive way... so far;). A lot of it is a matter of mental stability and strength... and how much of it i can muster in a state of despair, apathy, anger, bitterness, etc. Depending on the impact, sometimes it takes a couple of days or years to realize that this frustration will not be chronic and that I wont be overcome by it. Ultimately, I know that my decisions are my own, I may be swayed by other factors but ultimately it comes down to me to decide whether or not to believe what has been brought to my door. It's my choice that makes the smallest thing grow or wither... however, like I said I may be swayed by other factors... and sometimes those factors are quite inviting, welcoming and comforting. Comfort is a huge thing for me... the key is to discern whether or not the comfort is beneficial to me. Wrong choices can appear to be comfortable because they're easy... and it's so easy to take the easy road. Comfort is appealing because it's always something that we're sure of... I touched on this point in an earlier post about music; the point is when people are burdened and heavy laden the only thing they want is control of some sort, it's human nature. When we lose control of something we cling to something that we do have control of or something that is true and sound, and comfort is in those things.

I will say though... yes 2009 was my worst year yet but it was also one of the more richer years I've lived. I mean yeah there was heartache, pain and loss... but there was also joy. I found joy in a lot of things in 2009... I said goodbye to a loving grandmother and she left knowing I loved her but (I know this may sound sad as well) it wasn't until her funeral that I saw her in the most beautiful light... and that filled me with non-stopping tears, but not sad tears... they were more like overwhelming tears. I was so taken by her life and just her as a strong and wonderful woman. In 2009 I also experienced happiness through another... even though it didn't work out I will never forget how amazing I felt. Also in 2009 I moved back in with my family... and I actually forgot how much I loved them! I mean I've always and will always love them but ever since I've been back I've seen how much they mean to me and that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep them close to me. 2009 was a big year for relationships with friends and family and I can't forget that.

And one of the most important tools to have through all of this is perspective. I've been going to an art studio to work on my portfolio and my instructor is always telling me to stand up and look at the painting from across the room. I can get so lost in the detail of my art but in order to get the whole picture right it's so necessary to look at it from a far... and it's so amazing how much you notice and what needs to change. And I can't help but apply that to life; if I remain too concerned on detail things go out of shape but as soon as I take some deep breaths and look at things objectively I see things so much clearer.

So raise your glasses and here's to greater challenges and greater heights.

Cheers;)

ps - girls in my office are nut jobs

he who watches over you will not slumber

2009-12-22T01:13:00.000-08:00

I'm not one to push the bible on anyone but I do like focusing on certain pieces every now and then... and this is my blog and I wanna quote some goodness;)

I think it's fascinating how it's so much more than just "God told me this..." where it's not even an understanding but a feeling... and it's not just a hunch but more like "I get it." I'm feeling pretty bitter about 2009... honestly, 2009 was one hell of a shitty year... or at least it just left a horrible aftertaste. You could say all of my regrets, mistakes and disappointments are all here on the table and I'm just looking at them and thinking... "wtf..." Why did all this shit have to happen? why couldn't it have worked out the way I wanted it to? But it doesn't work that way, lol, I can't see all ends... that's life, taking every step blindfolded... it's just a matter of faith... we either believe that there is a hand guiding us or that it's all just one sick joke, lol. I believe that his hand is always there... even when I don't feel like believing I know it's there. It's like when I'm feeling shitty he makes his presence known and as much as I want to keep rolling around in my sweet sorrow, I can't help but smile a little, shake my head and chuckle and say "okay... you win, I give in." Now I wanna spend some time healing... take a stroll on the mountain tops... walk through the tall grass... white shores... crystal blue water...

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

¹ I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

² My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

amongst dim lights and rustic wood

2009-12-12T11:30:00.000-08:00

I can hear the pulse of a low rumbling drum... a deep pained guitar cries and howls throughout the room... resonance of pure emotions... of sorrow, of being wrong done, of facing the reality of now. It's the sound of the wanderer, the heavy laden, the lone burdened man... it's a sound that can be translated into a certain look, a certain glance of the eye...
I sat there, zoned out and tuned in to the music that occupied the entire venue... I sat there drinking my micro-brew, not because it's trendy but because of it's absent aftertaste... I sat there with my elbows resting on an over-lacquered wood beam watching people absorb the atmosphere. The atmosphere was thick for the music was nearly tangible as it wasn't just around you but rather it went through you like a healing force. It was inevitable that my eyes went to sleep and that my mind wandered and traveled away with the music... far away.

WARNING: Rant involving unsorted thoughts and full circle conclusions... I eventually answers my own questions.

2009-11-14T15:32:00.000-08:00

Wants and needs. Desire and necessity. Dreams and reality. There are things that I want... call it the pursuit of happiness. Or call it dreaming. Some believe that to dream is a waste of time and it would not be wise to invest in dreams. Others believe that it is dreams that give us hope or at least they give us some sort of comfort that will provide strength to carry on whether those dreams come true or not.

If we look at our lives as individual cases in society do we fit into categories or do we determine where we think we belong? Maybe we choose to travel here and there on the map of society or maybe that is just another category of its own. Is it important to uphold our unofficial duties as citizens of society or is there more than just a mold we fit in? I'd like to think that there is valor in pursuing dreams but it seems that in order to pursue a dream one must submit to the duties or at least choose one of the many categories in it. Some people speak of taking hold of our rightful freedom, letting go, releasing our bonds to experience the freedom of dreaming and greater heights. However, I fear that to be completely set apart from conforming is also an act of alienating one's self. Can an individual be completely free and still dwell in a world constrained with chains? Or is there some sort of balance that can be achieved in order to find freedom?

It's most likely just laziness but I've always grudged the demands of our society. Let me expand... from childhood to adolescence to adulthood there is a certain process or criteria that is established (pertaining mostly to western culture). The people that refuse to accept this or the ones that for some reason experienced different seem to be the ones that fall through the gaps. Take our education system for example... (note: I am not talking about the content or quality of our education system but it's role as a tool in society) Kids are taught/told how they should fit in the world after high school. I'm not saying they're trying to make robots but there are unofficial rules of how to belong to our society. And if you don't follow these rules you most likely will end up in the dark fringe category like the homeless population or the drug and crime world. You never hear about anyone who got ahead in life for not wanting to work. School is about educating our youth but it's also about labeling job titles on kids. Now I realize that in order for growth society's wheels need to be turning and people need to choose a seat of their choice. However, sometimes that choice is limited.

I guess I'm speaking from the point of view of the working class. I wasn't born into money so I have to work for it and they are so many more who are worse off than me and they are out there having to work way harder just to get by. Doesn't that seem depressing? Doesn't that feel horrible to know that in order to live people have to wear these social bonds? On the other hand I guess we all have to play our part and there is no point in complaining because that's just the way things go.

Sometimes I just can't help but look at it this way... knowing that our choices are limited. And maybe the freedom and the dreaming I was mentioning earlier is meant to be a inner journey. So I guess it's really all about how you see things... so for the sake of our own sanity it is necessary that we look through the right lens. And please don't tell me I've got "a bad case of the mondays"... that's just annoying.

Really... I think that for the most part we just zone out or distract ourselves with mindless entertainment in order to carry on. I won't say we're numb because that just makes us sound like zombies but I will say that people constantly use entertainment (or even drugs and alcohol for that matter or even crime... heck pretty much anything) as anesthetics so that we don't have to face the reality of the way things are. Cus if you think about it too much (like I'm doing right now) you just get frustrated, which takes you nowhere. So don't worry about me, I'm just ranting, I'll make sure to take my own advice;)

POST RANT: Just wanted to drop a recap on the dream part of what I was saying. For those of you who love to dream and think it's important... don't stop. Dreams are where we find comfort, inspiration and peace. Society needs dreamers just as much as (or even more than) any of the many categories.

shimmering leaves

2009-10-09T14:59:00.002-07:00

I hate having to say goodbye to the leaves on the trees every year this time. Seeing leaves on a tree is always a comforting image... they're so full of life, especially when the wind blows through them and they shimmer from the sun. It's funny how we use the word "leave" to describe parting from something and "leaves" as the plural of leaf... and a leaf has such a short life span and eventually gets blown away when it dies. The fall hasn't blown away the leaves yet but you know the time's coming. So when I take a nice drive or walk I take in as much of their beauty as I can because I know they won't be around for long. It feels like recently my family has had to say goodbye a lot...

My father had to say goodbye to his golden retriever this summer... That was hard because he became so close to that dog; we all loved it but my pops especially loved it... they were good friends, you know?

I had to say goodbye to a relationship that wasn't meant to be... it's not that I regret saying goodbye but it still creates a void when you remove something from your life. And a decision that I made, which led me to saying goodbye, also made me say goodbye to a potential relationship and the chance of re-salvaging anything.

My littlest brother Evan had to say goodbye to his hampster Ozzy. We never though that he would have taken it so hard because he never played with it that often... but he cried and cried over the loss of his pet. I think he felt that it was his fault because he neglected it so much, however, we reassured him that it wasn't his fault... but a good lesson for him to appreciate things better and not to take them for granted.

My mom had to say goodbye to her mother... we all had to say goodbye to grandma but for my mother it was her goodbye that was the most important. To say goodbye to a grandparent is a hard thing but to say goodbye to a parent is an even harder thing. I will never know until the day comes for me how hard it is to say goodbye to the people who have known you your whole life... not only known you your whole life but have poured their best efforts and love into your life. And seeing my mother cry is hard but seeing her over her mother's body grieving the loss is heartbreaking. I can't imagine the day when my parents go... they mean so much to me.

So we remember the leaves in our lives that have been taken by the wind and we remember how they shimmered in the light... and how warm and alive they made us feel. It's important that we take time out our busy lives to stop and reflect and appreciate the leaves in our lives and how beautiful the are.

wise words

2009-08-29T14:04:00.000-07:00

As you know I love movies, and some movies that I love are just great pieces of art that are undeniably well made. However, a lot of movies that I love, I love because I connect with them on a deeper level. What I mean is, a movie could fall into the undesirable category but I might love it because it touches on something that I love/value. I think a lot of people do that and it's just a matter of personal preference and reference. A lot times a movie will sell me with wise words... I love the character who is the moral compass or possesses the wisdom that all the other characters lack. That character is always a step ahead because of this and the audience is always comforted by a character like that... it's like a feeling of safety.

I'm going to post some of those wise words and great moments from films that I love periodically. So here's some and I'll start with one that I've quoted before...

Film: Meet Joe Black
Character: William Perrish
Age: 65
Profession: Filthy rich Tycoon

Quote (lending advice to daughter): Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.

Film:Garden State
Character:Andrew Largeman
Occupation:a becoming actor

Quote:
Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew Largeman: You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

Quote (to his father): "what I want more then anything in the world, is for it to be OK with you for me to feel something again, even if it's pain."

Film: Gladiator
Character: Maximus
Title: General to the roman army

Quote (conversation between commodus and maximus):
Maximus: I knew a man once who said, "Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back."
Commodus: I wonder, did your friend smile at his own death?
Maximus: You must know. He was your father.

Quote (maximus to his army):
Maximus: Three weeks from now, I will be harvesting my crops. Imagine where you will be, and it will be so. Hold the line! Stay with me! If you find yourself alone, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled. For you are in Elysium, and you're already dead!
Maximus: Brothers, what we do in life... echoes in eternity.

Character: Marcus Aurelius
Title: Emperor of Rome
Quote (conversation between Caesar and maximus):
Maximus: Five thousand of my men are out there in the freezing mud. Three thousand of them are bloodied and cleaved. Two thousand will never leave this place. I will not believe that they fought and died for nothing.
Marcus Aurelius: And what would you believe?
Maximus: They fought for you and for Rome.
Marcus Aurelius: And what is Rome, Maximus?
Maximus: I've seen much of the rest of the world. It is brutal and cruel and dark, Rome is the light.
Marcus Aurelius: Yet you have never been there. You have not seen what it has become. I am dying, Maximus. When a man sees his end... he wants to know there was some purpose to his life. How will the world speak my name in years to come? Will I be known as the philosopher? The warrior? The tyrant...? Or will I be the emperor who gave Rome back her true self? There was once a dream that was Rome. You could only whisper it. Anything more than a whisper and it would vanish... it was so fragile. And I fear that it will not survive the winter.

Character: Proximo
Title: Controls power of small roman province

Quote: "Ultimately, we're all dead men. Sadly, we cannot choose how but, what we can decide is how we meet that end, in order that we are remembered, as men."

500 days of summer

2009-08-06T17:05:00.000-07:00

The film 500 Days of Summer is my personal favorite movie of the summer. The film is about boy who meets girl and the 500 days of boy going through all the motions: awkwardness, romance, intimacy, humor, love, pain, depression, self discovery and new beginnings. Tom is our main character, he's an architect at heart but works for a greeting card company and he's a good guy in fact he's a nice guy... I'm gonna digress a little and just say that the ratio of "nice guys" to "jackasses" isn't as off balanced as a lot of girls think. The "nice guy" demographic will for sure appreciate this movie. OK, back to Tom! So Tom is one of those guys (nice guy or not) who believes in love and he meets this girl Summer who is of the opposite thinking. This obviously generates a big problem for Tom but he sticks it out in hope that love will develop. Summer ends the relationship and Tom suffers. Don't worry I'm not giving away the ending you see it in the trailer. The film is a journey of Tom's emotions and discoveries.

There is an abundance of situational humor and personal identity displayed by Tom and Summer. For example there is one scene that takes place the morning after Tom's first night with Summer and you really can't help but laugh and smile. He comes out of his building with a huge goofy grin on his face and starts shaking everyone's hands, fountains shoot up as he walks by, everyone around him starts dancing insinc and cartoon birds land on his shoulder while Hal&oats plays in the background; very much like a Viagra commercial. There's a whole bunch of great little bits about the movie that make you chuckle and that's a part of the reason why I really like this movie. In the beginning of the movie there is a disclaimer that says: "The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental... Especially you Jenny Beckman... Bitch." I laughed really hard at that. Another scene I couldn't stop laughing at was when Tom goes through his depression. He's down and out and everything in the world sucks. So the scene begins with his boss calling him into his office and asks if everything is ok, Tom replies like nothing is wrong with a dead look on his face. So his boss reads him his most recent submitted valentines day card: "Roses are red, violets are blue...[he opens the card]... f*** you, bitch."

I liked how the film uses the same scenes twice to convey both sides of the picture. For example the scenes/montage that represented Tom's thoughts were of Summer looking into the camera. In the first half Tom's voice says things like "I love her crooked teeth. I love the way she smacks her lips. I love her knobby knees. I love her heart-shaped birthmark." Then in the second half the same montage plays except with Tom's voice saying: "I hate her crooked teeth. I hate the way she smacks her lips. I hate her knobby knees. I hate her cockroach birthmark." The same sort of thing happens with scenes that at first don't seem very threatening, in fact, Tom doesn't think much of it so you as the audience don't think too much of it either. However, when the scenes flashback in the second half of the film that's when you see them in their proper light.

The film is also very artistic in a few ways... first off, Tom's sketches are great to see as he's got a fascination with architecture and Joseph Gordon-Levitt does a great job of portraying someone who sees angles artistically. There's a scene where Tom is walking on a street and the backdrop becomes a sketch and everything is slowly erased. My favorite scene is when he takes down all of his stuff off the wall behind his bed which is a massive blackboard (that's going on my list of things I want) and draws out a huge scape of buildings... and then he takes a step back and there's this feeling of completion like when you've got something really important to say and you finally get it off your chest.

Tom says something in the film that rings true I think: "People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated." I know it sounds quite depressing but I think most people will agree that sometimes being alone can be therapeutic at times. And I will say that there is a weird attraction to being miserable... like when you're down all your thoughts are basically "woe is me" and it's pretty selfish but it's almost necessary to feel sorry for yourself in order to exit out of a funk. That could be completely wrong but when you're in it you feel almost comforted when you engulf yourself in those thoughts... you just want to roll around in your own self-pity... it's kinda like crying... sometimes you just have to get the tears out in order to move on.

A big theme in this film is love and the mess it can put you through... When Tom gets dumped he wants her back and it gets ugly for him. There's a scene, that I mentioned earlier, where his little kid sister gives him advice and says: "I know you think she was the one, but I don't. I think you should look back and not just at the good stuff." So Tom thinks about it and the movie flashes back to scenes that we've already seen but by this point you know what to look for... they were all examples of times when Tom wanted to get serious or wanted to get deeper with Summer but each time he tried she either changed the subject or distracted him with her charm. This was her not letting him in and her avoiding her issues. That was the common denominator, each time she would never unveil herself... she was quite guarded. I think love can be developed but it has to be generated from both ends. It's funny to watch Tom go through all of these obsessive behaviors because a lot of guys will know what it's like. I read an article in Esquire magazine a couple of months back and it spoke of love and why we turn into weird people when it happens. The writer agreed to partake in a scientific study about the effects of love and then write about it. So he explains that when people fall in love there is actually a process that occurs that produces a dopium creating addictive tendencies. He uses this to explain for the obsessive and addict like characteristics of someone in love. I mean yeah, when you go through it everything is extreme "she loves me!" or "oh my god she hates me! the world is over!" Take for example that scene I mentioned earlier about the morning after when Tom starts dancing in the streets with birds... I mean he's in a whole different world seeing cartoon birds, sounds like drugs to me, lol. I'm gonna use another scene to back up this scientific explantion of love symptoms and it's when Tom is in the peak of his relationship with summer and everything is just gravy. The scene is of Tom helping out everyone come up with love themed greeting cards cus of course Tom would be an easy help cus he's in love! So he look's into the distance and thinks of Summer and drops an easy "love" card. And everything for Tom is peaches and cream cus he's hooked on that drug... love/crack.

The thing I really like about this movie is the change. And I've said this before... I love movies that have characters who have self-discoveries and changes. Tom goes through a whole mess of changes but in the end he gets it. Like when he quits his job and tries to become an architech... something clicks for him and he gets it... he decideds he's no longer going to live the fake life but he's gonna chase after what he really wants. And that's when things start changing and seasons change... which is funny too because near the end of the film he meets Autumn;)

Away we go

2009-07-24T13:08:00.000-07:00

From a distance the film "away we go" seems quirky and fun but there's good moments in the film that touch reality and truth. Ya it's a yuppie rom-com and it's cute but it's also so much more than just that... I mean most movie critics are snobs and dismiss the significance in the small things. A lot of film snobs will say that movies like this are just a part of the recent fad or trend and that they just jump on to the backs of the first movies that made the name for this particular genre/fad. What's happening is that their backs are so turned that sometimes these films get overlooked because they glow in a familiar tone that lacks appeal to some critics. This film definitely fits into the recent genre of indie films, however, the film's content are about real issues, real circumstances, and real reactions... isn't that what people have grown to love over the past decade... reality? who cares about what the mob wants or what the critics expect, this movie will connect with you if you allow it. You don't have to have been in these particular circumstances to connect with the film because it's the feelings that we connect with... and there is a lot of feel-good feelings in this film. Ultimately, it's about finding peace or more specifically, finding that place where things are sure thus you are satisfied with the way things are. It's knowing that life is crazy and sure as hell fun! There's a lot of self discovery with the main characters and I love a movie more just because of that... because it's comforting seeing people, whether it be fictitious or true, going through shit and coming out of it wearing a smirk. The couple in the movie realizes things about themselves individually and together as a couple; they see ways they don't want to be like and they create their own "home." There is always a struggle to get there though, and there's a great breaking point in the film and when you watch it you feel the weight being lifted off your shoulders as if it were your own life. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie... however, I also tend to dive as far as I can into movies! But that's what it's all about, for me at least... it's all about getting sentimental or at least allowing an example of real emotion touch your heart. It's softens ones soul and that's always a good thing.

ps - the soundtrack is awesome as well. It's by Alexi Murdoch... I have a couple of his songs on the playlist above.

somewhere in time

2009-07-23T23:43:00.000-07:00

I remember I used to love the car ride home from horseshoe bay... especially in the fall. It was overcast and windy but not raining. It was gray but it made me feel like a philosopher and a ponderer... as if time slowed down... ever step, stride and glide... was all in slow mo... that was the feeling. It was picturing myself as a man with so much grief who so longs to escape the noise to just drift off into the distance, away in the wind... to eventually vanish.

There was something about that time and place, you know? I mean, I remember the music i was listening to, I remember the scent of that time and I remember the way it looked, as if it were filmed with a certain lens.

The music at that time was usually slow jams, haha oh ya... those were good times. Slow jams were just right... soft and cool, cus the ladies loved a soft man who could still thug it out. I'm talking players like jagged edge, avant, R.Kelly, Usher, 112... slow ballads, that was my style, with a hint of sorrow and a longing for that one girl who could touch the deepest parts of a man's soul. This was the way of the romantic... we all wanted to be that guy.

That time had a certain scent to it and at sometimes it had many... Fall had a scent of a cold waterfront... and if you could imagine the aroma of fallen leaves... that was it. There was also the familiar car smells, haha... there were a few cars in my life at that time and each of them had a certain scent... you could blindfold me and I could tell you which car I was in just by the musk, lol. There was my dads suburban that smelled like worn leather and yet still maintained a subtle draft of it's original new car smell. I once took it out for a spin without his permission to impress a girl, hahaha, i almost got caught but my neighbor thought I was my dad, lol. There was also my friends cars... there was Greg's integra... oh I loved that car... it had a certain smell that was a good smell but one I couldn't even begin to describe.. it was just Greg's car. Then there was mike's Oldsmobile oh ya that beast smelled like dust and old plastic like my grandfather's car, haha but it was comforting nonetheless. Finally we get to my old car:) which was a 1990 firefly... oh ya, and it's scent was a colour wheel of many scents... This is how the mix went... 1part-exhaust, 1part-cologne, 2parts-dust and a hint of a pretty girl's perfume. Cologne was huge for us back then... actually maybe just for me, lol... but to me it was about image and identity; this was just a glimpse of my cabinet of scents: Calvin Klein's eternity, allure by Chanel, givenchy for men, Armani's acqua di gio, Ralph Lauren's polo sport, and the original Azaro (thank you pops;) Yeah I know you're thinking that's a lot especially for one glimpse of time, but I was hooked on being original and the taken girls would come by to ask what that scent was... sure enough next week their bf's would be sporting my scent, haha. So I kept changing it up just to stay original and fresh; I was very materialistic back then but hey it was fun.

The time was fall, but not fall these days, it was fall the way it used to be. Fall never changed and never will but fall to me looked a whole lot different and that look only exists back then. There were dark colours... earth tones... tan-swede boots, ball caps, jerseys, seanjean jeans, fossil watches and winter jackets. When you stepped out of the car it was brisk and cool and always close to evening. Your collar flips up, your brim slides to the side, you invert your brow, a slight squint and a look off into the distance. Others would glance at this man with wonder and sympathy... I always looked troubled when I walked outside against the wind... it's the most comforting forecast: windy, overcast and cool. This was a movie being filmed in my head and every shot had a similar theme of dark gray and blue... leaves falling or being lifted from the ground... they were quiet, mysterious, sorrowful...

a curious case

2009-06-30T17:26:00.000-07:00

She was that friend of a friend who's life always seemed more exciting then the rest of ours... but that's only because we new little about her. From the few times that we met I knew that she was quite ambitious and seemed very interesting from an outsiders point of view but also very intimidating for she was a good looking girl and held an air of confidence. That was years ago, however, not too long ago i took the opportunity to know her a lot more than I had ever known.

She liked things organized... neat, simple, yet meaningful. I think she was so obsessed with order and organization in her life because maybe growing up there was none or not much given to her... so maybe she associates negative emotions with people or situations that lack attention to detail (ie-unorganized, lazy, etc.) She came across to people as a busy, save the world, go get em person... she also came across as a very nice, kind and intentional person who would care deeply for you if you were closer friends. It was like this because of the little things she'd do for people... for example, if you mentioned that you like something she would make you a card or some sort of craft or baking good that represented what you liked. She definitely did the out of the box little things for people that caught you off guard... and because they caught you off guard you were more likely to remember her. She had a lot of friendships all over the country that she worked on once a week and her closer friendship she worked on everyday. She was definitely a people person... however, she rarely exposed her true self to anyone... I was one of the few who discovered this... and yet I still never discovered it all... or fully understood it for that matter.

"She makes her cookies, her sorbet punch and her colourful book... it's hard to tell but in the end she's just a crook."

She was very accommodating in certain ways that made such an impression so the things she forgot to do never crossed your mind because you were so taken by her antics. She was set on finding what she wanted but she never knew what that was. In turn, because she could never find what she wanted, she unintentionally blamed others for pulling her down. She did this a lot... she would say that she always felt that she was the one who kept having to do all the work in her relationships... but the work she was doing was the wrong kind and too much of it. She held everyone to unachievable high expectations and when they failed to meet these expectations she felt let down... you might think one should know what ought to be and what should not, but in her case she believed that there was nothing she was doing to deserve these troubles and that is was everyone else who were the cause of her pain. She was deeply troubled because time and time again she never got the attention that she wanted. Was it too much attention to ask for? probably, but she was neglected early on.

I couldn't give this unattainable attention and care to her... I tried and I never left nor did I give up... but it came to the point where my supports were no longer valued... for she pushed them away. She was never used to anyone taking a chance on her so when it go to a certain point of intimacy she left... maybe she felt like she had been hiding or protecting herself or maybe she was still healing and need more healing... but she left. I think it's a trend for her... I think she has a track record of this sort of thing... as soon as she gets too close she leaves... in my case she didn't just leave she found someone else and neglected to inform me about him... regardless of her dysfunctions and twisted logic the two of us experienced that deep intimate moment... one of those moments when nothing else in the world exists but the two of you and the sparks the fly between. I can no longer recall that memory but I do remember what it was... I know it was a good memory but it has no value anymore... the spirit of the memory left with her. When you're betrayed by someone who holds so much of you in their hands... they can never be seen the same way as they did before. The girl I fell in love with has disappeared forever... and because it was betrayal, it was almost easier to accept because that love/affection/attraction vanishes. If I was ever sad about it all it was because I was upset about not being able to miss her at all... not being able to want to be back with her... those feelings were gone and if I missed anything it was missing those feelings of wanting someone who wants you... but that will never leave you, i think you find that throughout the course of life.

a star has fallen

2009-06-25T16:59:00.000-07:00

Michael Joseph Jackson has passed away... My previous post was about music and the emotions and inspirations that it generates... I mentioned that I grew up with a dad who showed me the soul in Motown... well that soul was Michael Jackson. I remember hearing the Jackson 5 as a kid and Michael's "off the wall" album and of course "thriller"... i grew up on Michael Jackson... He was our Elvis. Despite all the controversy, I remember Michael Jackson for the talent and entertainment he gave to the world. My favorite Michael Jackson to remember was 1983 Michael... that's when Motown 25 aired on TV and my Pops recorded it on VHS(can't believe that's old school now). At least every year we sit down and watch Motown 25; it was on that TV special that Michael busted out the Moonwalk on national television for the first time... every time i watch I get chills. This is a brief post and I will definitely write more on what growing up with hearing Michael Jackson meant to me.

Michael Jackson will truly be missed.

Music and me: Extracting pure emotion

2009-06-20T14:11:00.000-07:00

A soundtrack can not only recall great moments in movies but also great moments in life when we watched those movies. When I listen to certain soundtracks I remember the things I was going through in life during that time back when I watched the movie or heard the soundtrack for the first time. It’s like reading back in a journal; I still do that with this blog every so often. Reflecting back on the things we went through and how we came out of them is a great way of reaffirming who we are and how far we’ve come. In some cases it reminds us of how great things used to be… I have a bunch of soundtracks that bring me back to a place when I felt the most peace in life. It’s a part of the reason why I listen to some soundtracks because I know getting back to that peace is obtainable and sometimes when things get heavy all we need is a good reminder. My soundtracks help me to get back to those peaceful places and not only do they represent good times and good feelings but for me they extract pure emotions.

In order for clarity in life we need pure emotions and pure intentions because the moment we try to ignore the truth is the moment we begin to believe the lies we tell ourselves to mask the real issues. If you’ve read any of my previous entries you know that I am always striving and searching for peace and in my search I have discovered (and still am discovering) that in order to find peace you must confront the real you. Sometimes we don’t want to confront the real us because it’s a lot of work and it can also be quite frightening when realizing that we’ve become someone we never wanted become. I find that for me, to get back to peace requires a journey through my personal layers and to ask myself who I am. And to get there also requires facing and embracing those deep heart-wrenching emotions.

The music that I have collected over the years has been based on those emotions… I find it important to dive head first into these emotions and experience them to the fullest. My thoughts, memories, and emotions play through my head like an epic movie and my music is a carefully selected soundtrack. It is amazing how powerful music can be when it touches your soul and inspires you to greater heights. The right music can amplify and define your mood and help you address the good and bad for the better. When I feel like crap the best music is the sorrowful ballads and compositions… Dallas Green said in an interview on why his music is always sad is because to him sad songs are always honest and true. He’s right about sad songs and even sentimental orchestrated pieces, and it’s true because they confront the ugly and make it beautiful. When we are down and out the things people want the most are things that are certain and secure… and truth is an affirmation of life; music can capture that and it’s what makes it so attractive and appealing. Music is therapy and it’s been my best friend for years.

The story of music and me

2009-06-20T14:05:00.000-07:00

For the last 15 years composed movie soundtracks have played a big role in my life. Music in general has always been a huge interest for me. I grew up with a dad who showed me the soul in Motown and a mom who showed me the comfort in the sounds of a guitar and soft voices. But in 1995 I discovered my first composed movie soundtrack, “Braveheart.” At the time I was 10 years old and my folks wouldn’t let me watch the movie because of all the violence and gore. One night my parents watched it in the living room after I had gone to bed, however, I snuck out and hid behind the wall that separated the hallway from the living room. Sitting behind that wall I could only hear the movie and its beautiful soundtrack; I didn’t need to see the screen because the music was good enough. I eventually was allowed to watch the movie as I used the education card pleading my case that it was 14^th century history.

For Christmas that year my folks bought me the soundtrack and I fell asleep to it almost every night; it’s been in my collection ever since. Once I had a taste of James Horner’s collaboration with the London symphony orchestra I moved on to other soundtracks like Danny Elfman’s work on Mission Impossible. I used to set up army men on my window sill and listen to a certain track that had a sense of victory and defeat; it went hand in hand with my creative imagination as a kid.

Years later the collection started to pile up as half of my cd collection was compiled of movie soundtracks. In no particular order here are some: Gladiator, troy, lord of the rings, meet joe black, signs, the green mile, pride and prejudice, the fountain, king kong, Cinderella man, lost, babel, road to perdition, kingdom of heaven, Friday night lights, half nelson, somewhere in time, platoon, superman returns, finding neverland, the beach, oceans 11, a new world, heat, munich, legends of the fall, finding nemo, the shawshank redemption, suite from my best friend’s wedding, the yards, Edward scissor hands, vanilla sky, and so many more.

I’ve also found other piece by searching connections from movie trailers (two steps from hell composers, explosions in the sky), video games (shadow of the colossus, halo), commercials (Sirius radio by fear of music), etc. I’ve also found other bands through movies that have been featured that sport a more instrumental sound. Bands like explosions in the sky and sigur ros which are amazing on their own.

Read the next article to explore a more deeper relationship between music and me.

To whom much is given...

2009-01-03T01:38:00.000-08:00

I was just listening to some Kanye and he spat a verse quoting the famous "To whom much is given much is tested." So it got me thinking... that's got some weight to it. When you first glance at this saying you see the responsibility slice of the pie slide out. I see it initially as: here's are these gifts/qualities that have been given to you and when you use them they benefit humanity. These things can sometimes be seen as chores but they are in full bloom when they are practiced. The act of "activating" these gifts is found laying on the shelf of righteous and humble pride.
I also see this saying applying to our everyday windows and doors that open for us. Sometimes we ask for answers and solutions and complain when we cannot see them but in reality we're given the opportunities to discover them ourselves. So when I hear a quote like "to whom much is given..." I imagine a perfect opportunity that contains "MUCH" potential and when it appears in front of you it is a "TEST" wishing for you to partake in reaping the fruits of its labor. I can think of many opportunities that I've walked away from because of plain old apathy... but life is about so much more and it's like feast for a king gone to waste. I like thinking about things that ought to be and things regarding our responsibilities in this life... it feels rewarding knowing that there are a million things that you are meant to do... it feels great knowing that someone that you've connected with took the "TEST" and because of that you've benefited from it. I like to think that we are all supposed to be there for certain folk... it's our intrinsic healing qualities through human interaction. I know this might sounds a little left field but there are those times when you feel real good talking with someone... like, this is people healing people.

CHINA STORY 2 (stranded Jay)

2009-01-03T00:48:00.000-08:00

yes it's been quite some time but I am notorious for procrastinating. So this is day 2 of China... it starts off with seeing Greg off at the bus station and venturing off to have my first Chinese breakfast as I mentioned in the first story. So I pretty much wandered around but not too much because it felt uber-weird walking through a non tourist area with everyone staring at me... I bet they were all thinking "look at this Quai Lo! he's gotta be lost!" So for the rest of the day I went back to the apartment and watched "the wire" on my 32gig itouch (which was later pick-pocketed off of me on the subway) for a couple of hours until Greg got home. After a while it was Greg, Jessy and I in the main room casually talking about Jay's flight and when it arrives... I originally thought Jay arrived a day later than I did but Greg was convinced that Jay told him it was 2 days later because of the time difference. I was still thinking Canada time and just agreed with Greg... but then after a little more thought it didn't make sence. So we were all worried that if Jay was arriving the day after I arrived (present day) than that would mean he's be already landed, in fact he'd be waiting for a good 3 hours already. However, Greg still thought it was the next day that Jay was to land so we went to search for an interet cafe so that Greg could check his email. That took some time and we eventually figured out that Jay had been waiting for a good 4 hours! So we booked it to the airport on the subway and found Jay sitting on luggage cart in the middle of the lobby with his head down. Despite a horribly long flight and a 6 hour period of not knowing what was going to happen Jay was still in good spirits but weathered nonetheless. So we ate some MI DONG LAO(McD's) and went back to the apartment while grabing some Pi Jiou for a little night cap, gan bai!

I'm not there for you...

2008-12-19T00:42:00.000-08:00

I've been searching for a girl... not necessarily THE girl but a girl who fits the part. I don't like forcing things to happen for the sake of having someone around. I mean it's nice to have someone who is really into you but if I'm not there emotionally and relationally then it's no good... because underneath I'm still searching for someone else.

I've started to meet more girls over the past month or so and it's been interesting... I've got to say, if I can take anything from recent experiences it's that you really need to connect, get to know each other better and find a way to meet in the middle. I feel bad for a couple of girls that I started to pursue... I'm not one to give the bad news, in fact in the past it's been the other way around. One girl was really nice, collected, shy, and had a gentle soul... she was attractive and came from a wonderful family... but I knew that we didn't fit; there was no real chemistry or rather I wasn't feeling it. I know the feeling when I like a girl, the nervousness is in effect and I mess up my words. This obviously dissipates once the relationship takes off but with these situations I just wasn't feeling it. So after some contemplating and evaluating I determine it would be worse to drag it out... so I end it. I know that it's just dating and I definitely have no intentions of taking advantage of these situations, but I just can't help but feel bad. A part of it could be that I've been crushed before and I know how crappy that feels.

It's so hard to find someone to fit the part, someone who meshes just right with you... and that doesn't mean "soul mates" but having the RIGHT connection. And it's tempting to compromise your own values just for someone that looks right, but when that happens you're brewing the wrong whiskey... and it's wrong from the start. It's important to me not to settle. Some people might say that's being picky but I might not want "good enough" what if I want extraordinary... I don't think that impossible, it just requires patience.

ps - I know I am extremely late on the china stories but they're coming.

CHINA STORY 1

2008-11-08T14:37:00.000-08:00

So I've decided to post the China trip in a series of individual stories... They should appear in order, however, some may connect with other stories.

CHINA STORY 1 - enter the culture shock

I shall start with a description of the plane ride to china... The airline I traveled with was AIR CHINA because they were the cheaper airlines. Well not only were they the cheaper choice but their plane seem to be built for small Asian women. The flight was 11 1/2 hours and I was stuck with a window seat beside a small Chinese man. I assumed that the window seat would be nice to lean up against the wall to sleep but that wasn't the case. No, in fact there was quite a gap between the arm rest and the wall so I remained 11 1/2 hours with it stuck in my side. The seat was extremely close to the seat in front of me and if you wanted to recline you'd actually slide forward having to sacrifice leg space. On the brighter side, the food was half decent. When I arrived I came out of the gate where passengers families are waiting for them and I expected to see Jessy waiting there for me but there was no familiar faces. In fact nothing was familiar... So I went to the phones which didn't look anything like a regular phone and tried to call Jessy with my credit card but no luck. The unfortunate thing was that I had no cash and couldn't find a bank to take money out, so I waited. Eventually I saw Jessy while she was on the phone with Greg trying to look for me and then we locked eyes but we were both uncertain for just a second, then she gave me a big hug with a huge smile on her face. Jessy is a really nice girl; her and Greg make a great couple. So Jessy and I took a bus back to Greg's place and as soon as I saw Greg I gave him a big hug and was so happy to see him. Then we walked over to his apartment building and it was a little sketchy but it was CHINA! I was very struck with awe that first night it was hard to convince myself that I was in China. Greg's place was a little different and I was a bit freaked about getting use to the bathroom. At least Greg had a western toilet only you weren't able to flush toilet paper! so in the waste basket it went, yeah I know pretty gross but hey IT'S CHINA. The next day I stayed around Greg's house while he went to work and had fend for myself... I got some money out from an ATM around the corner and went for some breakfast one of the local restaurants. Greg told me to go to this one place because they had pictures on the menu's... well they weren't much help because I couldn't tell what the pictures were of! So the waitress waited while I looked through the menu for something familiar, AHAH! Shrimp! so I point to the picture of shrimp and held up 1 finger then I said "Mi fan?" Excellent I must have said it right because she brought me steam rice back. I tried to order a Coke but it didn't work because Greg told me to say it wrong. Greg pronounced it Kuu-La, however, later Jessy tells me if you just say Coke-cola they'll understand. That day was a little crappy... everything was so much for me to handle I was just overwhelmed so much so that I actually wanted to go back home. The bugs, dust, dirt and smells were really getting to me but my fears soon abated once Jay arrived...

crazier stories to come! In the next story Jay is forgotten at the airport!

Adventures in China

2008-10-30T16:47:00.000-07:00

So I recently got home from China where my buddy Jay and I stayed with our pal Greg. I'm in the works right now at compiling all the crazy stories into one post or maybe each individual story as one post. I kept a journal on the trip and there are some funny and horrifying stories. Check in soon.

Harry

2008-08-28T22:54:00.000-07:00

So I'm almost finished reading the first book in the harry potter series and I've never read them before, just watched the movies. I haven't been able to put the book down it's just that good and more than few times I've gotten goosebumps, good ones. Every time Harry's receives justice out of a situation that at first appears to look like it will end in misery brings great joy to the reader. I mean it's a lighter read but it's so full of every emotion that you don't want to get off the roller coaster. Harry is this kid who's has a future of greatness to come and he is just discovering his way there. The part of the story that I've liked the most is Harry's desire to have known his family. It's sad but inspiring for Harry when he finds out more about his parents and the legacy they left behind. It inspiring because Harry has so much potential that it becomes just as rewarding for the reading to see him grow. Maybe I like this part because I love seeing this in my little brothers as they grow up... I always like picturing them what they'll be like when they're older. It's just something great to be able to watch and admire and be apart of.

Charlie Brown and me

2008-08-20T04:51:00.000-07:00

Yes I know... it's Charlie Brown and I.

Charlie Brown has been in my life ever since I was a pup. Every time I hear the twinkling keys of Vince Guaraldi a big grin shows up on my face. In fact I'm listening to some Charlie B melodies right now as I type and you can be sure to find it on my ipod as well:). Like I was saying, Charlie Brown has been in my life even before I could eat with a spoon. My first room had this snoopy wall paper that I loved so much; it was sky blue and had little multiples of snoopy on a cloud. As a kid whenever I received presents for my birthday or Christmas there was usually Charlie Brown wrapping paper. Sometimes presents were wrapped with the funny section of the news paper and sure enough there was Charlie Brown wishing me a happy birthday or a merry Christmas. Let's take it a little further... I'd even get little Charlie Brown books Charlie Brown you've had it and taking it even further... I'd get Charlie brown movies "Charlie Brown you're in love." Heck, my mom still gets me little snoopy gifts every once in a while... I like those little nostalgic things. I liked Snoopy and Charlie brown so much that when it came time to move to a new house saying goodbye to that wall paper was traumatic... I even tried giving the wall a big hug before we left.
I've always empathized with Charlie Brown... there's always something going wrong but when it's over there's always a lesson to be learned.
I have to say, in regards to my previous post, that Charlie Brown Christmas Jazz is the best thing about wintertime.
Here's to Charlie Brown. Good Grief.

The plummet of leaves

2008-08-20T04:20:00.000-07:00

The summer took a while to get here and already the fall seems to be approaching. First the wind then the clouds and now the rain... I took a walk outside tonight and wore my fall jacket for the first time in while. I've always loathed the coming of gray, cold, and wet days of the winter, however, despite my hate for a dull forecast I enjoy the fall for a short period of time. Sometimes I take pleasure in walking outside prepared for the brisk and cool wind... there's something about sliding into a heavy jacket and flipping up the collar that comforts me. I like going for walks in the fall especially when it's windy; I almost feel like a wanderer not knowing where I'll journey to. It's almost like the saying It's a dangerous business walking out your front door, and if you don't keep your feet you'll never know where you'll end up. I can only hope the summer continues as long as it can because it's the only season I truly look for. The fall will come quite fast and when it does I'll enjoy it, but only for a short while. Let's hope it's an eventful winter.

Indispensable

2008-08-06T04:32:00.000-07:00

Albert Einstein once said... "A life directed chiefly toward fulfillment of personal desires sooner or later always leads to bitter disappointment."

I live on my own and I have no others that directly depend on me nor do I directly depend on any other. That being said I do cherish my family and friends very much but regarding immediate dependency I have none. I say this to help you understand my current state of rationality, reasoning and pursuit of happiness.

When I think of my life in it's present state I consider the surface necessities such as my job, my financial situation, and my atmosphere or home. I ask myself if I am pleased with the job that I have... does it bring me joy? a sense of accomplishment? how long will I remain in this job? My job is one that I get a lot of people's attention when asked about; to many it's seen as a commendable position, however, it can be very dark and mentally heavy. So I feel sometimes when people ask me about it I think to myself "you have no idea and you wouldn't understand or want to." It's a job that I do feel is important but I am not sure how much longer I'll be able to remain in it.
I also am always re-budgeting my income... I use to think if only I could make more money then I could... but I have come to realize that with more money comes more stress. More money does not bring relief... you just spend more. So I take into account all my bills and be sure to budget enough to give me a cushion in case of emergencies which usually still leaves some money to spend that should probably be put into savings. In the past 2 years I've given myself the excuse to spend because I'm young and this is the best time to live it up... doesn't sound very intelligent because this frivolous spending will not last nor will I have anything to show for it in the days ahead.
Another surface concern is my home... is it a home? it's definitely a place where I dwell but is it a place where I can find solitude and sanctuary? With my erratic spending I have furnished it with a big screen tv, comfy couches, and an array of electronic entertainment. Does that make it feel more like a home? No it doesn't. I find I don't even cook that much at home because who wants to cook for themselves all the time? It's too much work just to cook for yourself, however, when I do cook for myself it does feel nice... maybe because it's a meal that you create and feel good about, but really you only have yourself to congratulate. lol.

If you're still with me I thank you as I am also trying to gather what I'm getting to...
You see these things are just surface and they concern one person, myself... Now I'm going to explain just a little more before I get to the getting which you can probably put it together by now... bear with me as I do so.

Now when I think of my personal life or state of mind/spirit I like to think really deep. That's just the way I am. I am constantly concerned about finding peace and ultimately happiness. And sometimes I can be my worst enemy and it's usually through someone else's eyes that I can find clarity and see my mistakes to correct them. The worst time for me is at night before I fall asleep or not sleeping at all, like right now. I lay awake most of the time and think about everything I worry about and everything that is pissing me off which is usually what I'm worrying about. My spectrum of worries goes from when will i find a girl to keep for good? or when will i find a career that I'll enjoy and want? to am I supposed to be contributing my life more than I am to this world? to God? I think all the time about where my gifts lie or even if I have too high of expectations for myself. Maybe it was my bringing up in the church that told me I should be doing more with my life. I completely believe that it's our relationship in this world that lead us to happiness...

I spoke with my mother not too long ago and vented to her a bunch of my life's concerns and she gave me some advice somewhat on the lines of what Einstein said... I told her I really want to find happiness because I am not feeling that I've experienced it as much as I anticipate. She said that happiness is experienced through others and that it comes when you're not focused on yourself but rather others in your life. And when she said that it was like I should have known that answer but in recent years I guess I piled too much in front of it that I just couldn't see it.

So thank you again for sticking around after so much... and to wrap it all up my solution to all my worries should be not to worry and focus elsewhere. If only it were that easy hey? But seriously this is a constant reminder that I feel I need to apply if I ever want to experience a higher level of happiness. Thank God I have others in my life who can show me where he remains... in the heart.

does anyone still read this stuff?

2008-08-05T14:41:00.000-07:00

this is just a test... I'm really not sure if people read my blog because I haven't gotten many comments... but I get a stats counter report that says the site gets more hits than I expect it to. So if you're reading this leave a comment, anything will do.

"Happiness is only real when shared"

2008-06-24T03:07:00.000-07:00

I watched a movie recently about a guy on a life journey of discovering freedom, serenity, and happiness. Throughout the movie he slowly finds out things about himself that he would never have recognized before his journey began. In the end he realizes that the his journey had been just him, alone, and he had never given time to invest in anyone else. He felt he was going to find happiness by himself because up to the point of embarking on his journey the people in his life had failed him thus far. Sadly, the realization came at the very end where he was all alone on his deathbed and wrote down in a book "happiness only real when shared." It was a shame that it took him such drastic measures for him to realize the truth...

I don't think we were all put on this earth just to mind one another's business. We need others in our lives, all around us to feel included, be heard, listen, observe, share, love, etc. The human being needs support. We NEED support from others to feel a sense of purpose because without is there is no drive, no passion, no reason to live. It is through others that we survive and express life and love; it's what gives energy to our souls. Others bring comfort, they listen we vent; we complain they reason; when we're down they pull us up... we bring balance to each other.

it's been over 2 years since i moved away from my parents house. When I first moved out I couldn't be more happy but as time went on it became challenging. After a while it wasn't difficult to feel happy but now the definition of "happy" had to change. I think what was hard was juggling responsibilities, budgeting tightly, not having a future plan, not having someone else for moral support and being okay about it. Being okay was the new happy in my new life as a single adult. The hardest part about living on your own is doing it all without someone to share it with, you know... companionship. Whenever I became ill while living with the parents, there was always someone there in the house or if there wasn't someone was coming home soon. Now when I get ill I'm all alone... and it sucks. Dinner time use to be one of my favorite parts of living with the folks because everyone was there together, we weren't spread about the house we were all dinning together as a family. It was nice. and now that I don't have that I really appreciate it so much more than I ever did. I also loved late night leftovers with my pops and jeopardy with my mom... my Dad would always love to eat and talk about plans and ideas of doing something with the fam or starting a new project on the house or trailer. My Mom and I would watch jeopardy and she'd answer most of the questions then shortly after we'd get talking about world topics or philosophical viewpoints. I miss having being supported by those that mean much to me. And since being on my own I rely a lot on friends to which I find myself more welcoming to visitors and invitations.

I am constantly in a state of awareness that shows how much I need others in my life... how much I would love to have that other person. So I try, I try to find ways of being around friends and family, social events and meeting new people. Single people have it hard I think... there is so much frustration during this period of time in our lives where we don't know who that other person will be or what will they look like or when will I meet that person and when will I know??? Will I ever know? seems to be a common question...
Soon enough I'll stumble upon an opportunity that might just bring pure happiness. I'm going to steal some words from a favorite movie of mine and say... "Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find her? Forget your head and listen to your heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

nice guys finish last

2008-02-18T04:33:00.000-08:00

I'm just saying this has been a common result up to now. Now i'm not saying that nice guys don't get girlfriends, they just get screwed in the end. In my experience, I end up with regret, leading me to see the "nice guy syndrome" more as a reality. All I really want is to be able to share my qualities with a girl and have them accepted or even recognized. I'm all about treating that woman like a queen, however, the nice guy ends up just walked all over and used. People tell me that I'll never end up with a "nice" girl because I'm too nice of a guy. They say I need a girl who's going to be bitching at me... I can't tell you how much I hate that. I don't want that shit! How come the nice guy can't get a nice girl? because the not so nice girls prey on us and tease like no tomorrow... that's just not cool.

here are a few quotes I found that I though were good:

“Dating should be less about matching outward circumstances than meeting your inner necessity.”
“Women desire six things: They want their husbands to be brave, wise, rich, generous, obedient to wife, and lively in bed”[now this one is so true, they want their man to be so damn perfect, like out of a dream. And girls have been dreaming about their "man" since they were little girls. Don't try to make him what he's not, and if you don't like it stop stringing him along and get the F out!]
Never date a woman whose father calls her 'Princess.' Chances are she believes it. [ahahaha, i thought it was funny]

I'm just sticking up for those nice folk out there, guys and gals who get trampled by those bitches and bastards. Play fair for once.

Too good for Facebook

2007-11-22T19:53:00.000-08:00

As most of you know I recently left a social utility called “facebook.” I created a facebook account over a year ago (I’m just guessing. I actually have no idea how long ago it was, probably just when it was bloomin) and right away I was hooked. That was the first problem. There are many reason I left facebook and also many reasons why I regret my decision. The following are reasons for my facebook departure:

I. Too much drama ‡ Just like msn messenger, you can never really grasp a joke someone is trying to make. Sarcasm? Don’t even attempt. It’s not worth it. All your attempts to tell someone anything can be read in at least one other way. Take for example funny jokes shared amongst friends. These jokes may sound funny to all your friends but to someone on your “friends list” it could appear to them as rude, cruel, inhumane, etc. Thus creating a false perception of who you really are. People gossip. Do we really need another avenue to advocate for gossip? C’mon.
II. Lack of privacy ‡ everyone sees you, who you are, who you know, what you look like, where your from, etc. You can choose what information you want to display, however, the less you show the less interesting and the less connected you become. I mean facebook is all about being connected so you kind of have to sacrifice in order to “connect.” Another thing regarding privacy is being exposed to everyone including employers, future employers, family, ex-girlfriends, future prospecting girlfriends, basically people you don’t want all up in your business. I don’t want my boss being able to see pictures that other people have tagged me that might not be “appropriate” (lets face it, we all have stupid pictures). Nor do I want girls that I may be interested in seeing ridiculous photos of me either. Near the end of my facebook life I tried to scale down my profile. I started deleting “friends” that I never talk to, limited people to what they could see of me, and eventually left all networks making me unavailable to anyone beyond the people I already had as friends. Of course the fun ended, because the fun was a weird feeling of people being able to view you and being able to view them. Everyone “creeps” through everyone else’s profile and pictures, that’s just how it is and it really is creepy. But the fun was having people you don’t know or haven’t seen in a while adding you as a friend, however, you could never be certain whether it was working in your favor or not. Conundrum: do I indulge in the mysterious life of facebook and sacrifice personal privacy or do I take myself out of the equation and miss out on the party?
III. Bastard or not ‡ In real life, you wouldn’t go up to someone who doesn’t know you don’t like them and say “get bent, I’m not your friend.” At least I hope you wouldn’t say that, but that’s your choice I guess. Anyways, people whether they know you or not will attempt to add you as a friend and to be honest (on facebook) half of them I wouldn’t add. Facebook really brings out the bastard in all of us, because we can delete and ignore anyone and get away with it. Unless you actually bump into them and they’re like “hey, I keep trying to add you on facebook and it never works, what’s up with that?” and you’ll be like “really?! Gee… wow… gosh that blows. I hate when that happens, must be a ‘technical error’ or something.” Well, if you know me personally, sometimes I find it funny to share my negative opinions about people I don’t really know. Sort of like an apostrophe (that we all learned about in high school) only with a spin of slander. Like “that guy’s a douche.” It entertains me, sorry if it sounds harsh, however, It’s all for shits and giggles. So I’m not sure if this reason’s a good one or not. Moving along…
IV. Distant interactions ‡ If I want to communicate with someone I care about, my first step is not to email him or her or to message them via face book it’s to call them via phone. At least by phone one can hear emotion and it’s more personal. Beyond that people tend to meet with each other to gain live human interaction. This is no mystery! I don’t want have a good conversation via face book, nor do I want an argument via face book; rather as Ari Gold says “let’s hug it out bitch!” I’d rather talk using my voice; I want the whole pie not just a convenient slice.
V. Addicting and time consuming ‡ When you realize that most people you know are on face book it becomes overly convenient. You begin to “creep,” gossip, make fun of people, send hate and love, debate, discuss, add applications, etc. And before you know it at least an hour has gone by. The crazy thing is you can’t live without it; I tried leaving a few times before but then I started getting worried that I’d lose contact with everyone. I started to consider all of my pictures that I put up and that people had tagged me in as well as all of the comments made on my pictures. I almost felt sort of… too proud to let go.
VI. EGO and the Pretentious‡ I knew that if I left I would no longer have face book to puff up my ego. Oh ya, EGO is great on face book. You can take all of your greatest photos and post them up for everyone to see how good you look as well as videos. Now I admit, I’m guilty. I put up a few photos that I thought I looked good in, purely just to show people what I could pull off. And I’ve seen some ridiculous photos people put up that just look dumb and obvious. For example, someone put up a picture of themself praying with their bible laying open next to them… good efforts to show everyone that you pray but not so smart posting that nice picture beside another picture of you shit faced drunk on a camping trip. I mean these sort of shenanigans are entertaining, I’ll give ‘em that. Other funny pretentious photos are the ones of guys with their shirts off flexing for the camera. C’mon! How big is your head? No one wants to see your pimples, “backne” (quote: Em) nor your goofy grin. Put it away please. And girls… you know, you don’t need to take 10 pictures of the same angle. Some girls, sorry lots of girls look like hoes, chicken heads, hood rats, because of the pictures they put up. You know the cleavage shot I’m talking about aka “Death from above” and yet you still do it. And girls wonder why they have so many creepy comments from guys. I’m not backing any of these creeps, but if your one of these girls don’t act surprised, you’re setting them up. More over, people don’t just use pictures to puff themselves up, there’s a profile section that can help quite well with that. For example, what books I’ve read and people have the nerve to list “the bible” well congratulations you must have learned lots of valuable lessons. And following the bible is a list of all the books they’ve read including high school novels; one of my favorites is when people put down university textbooks… I can just hear what they’d say, “ya I really enjoy reading the 5th addition of a macro analysis of Canadian Society.” Ya right. Another funny one is when people list out where they’ve work under “my workplaces:” I’ve seen some people list out every job they’ve ever worked or maybe just the ones that sound cool. “Ya, I use to work for ‘Taylor Benson law firm’ but I quit cuz it wasn’t my thing.” More like you were a janitor who was fired. Face book is full of all this fun! Why did I ever leave?
VII. Applications on your page ‡ I hate most applications, in fact the only applications I liked were “ninjas” and “Raptors Fan” but only because I love the Raptors… and ninjas. At first it was kind of fun, people would ask you to add this application so you could experience it together… until one day you realize you’ve been hit by the herpes of face book. Your page has broken out in the herp; it’s having a flare-up and is covered with blinking applications. It’s so bad no one can find your wall. I don’t know what’s more annoying: getting application requests all the time or not being able to load someone’s page because there’s so much flash going on.
VIII. The up-side of town ‡ There are a couple of good things that I miss from face book, and here they are: the opportunity to connect with people long distance and people you wouldn’t regularly call, and groups and events. Face book allows you to see what old friends look like, meet people through friends that you’d never meet in the flesh, and contact friends when all other lines of communication are tied up. Being apart of groups amongst friends is great too because everyone is usually too lazy to organize anything but put something up a face book group and everyone is either in or out. Events were great notices of shows that are playing or friend’s bands or fun stuff to attend.

I’m not finished yet… with face book. Despite all the things I hate about face book, I miss the party. Who knows when or if I’ll return, maybe in the New Year.

Someone Else

2007-11-12T21:38:00.000-08:00

Have you ever met someone and felt like you have know them forever? And then find out that they were just a pack of lies? This is the story of a lost soul...

I'll start off by saying that I like people and usually give them the benefit of the doubt of being good people. Now Conrad was and is a good person I believe deep down, only he was held down by an unknown force that altered him to be someone else... someone not so pleasant. I met Conrad a couple of years ago in November in a cold and uninviting environment. What was I doing there? Well at the time I was working with my community's homeless and came across Conrad who looked like a well cut, trendy and well spoken guy around my age, 20 or so years. I had no idea he was homeless and out of a job. So I introduced myself and right away we were chilling out like brothers. He was such a cool guy and had this air to him that made you feel like you wanted to hang out with him. Conrad told me his story of how he ended up where he was, in a homeless shelter. According to Conrad, he would have been living with his parent's only he didn't agree with their religion. And for Conrad to continue living under his parent's roof he too had to follow and abide by their religion. Conrad told me that he believed in God and what not, but he just didn't like the ways of their religion. He explained that his parent's religion was sort of cult-like and that he was uncomfortable with it. So because he rejected his parent's religion or cult, he was exiled and shunned by his family. I felt for him, because as someone who grew up in a religious environment I recognized the expectations. Conrad told me that despite how troubling his situation was he was still determined to follow through with his plans of achieving his dreams: to become an actor. Conrad had said that he had been on a bunch of movie sets as a background character, not just an extra. In fact, Conrad had an agency he went to that was hooking him with gigs, only it was never enough money and always spur of the moment calls to work. And on top of this he told me he was also attending acting classes at a community college. I thought here's a guy who's working to achieve what he wants to do in live (and for people around our age that's a hard thing to be sure of), has no family to support him, no friends (because they were all church connected), has no drug or alcohol issues and is still in good spirits. I thought this dude was just plain ol' shit out of luck.

So we would hang out here and there, talk was no problem because we liked the same music, movies, and shared the same humor. After getting to know this guy for a few weeks I felt like he was genuine. Christmas was two weeks away and Conrad was going to stay at the shelter for Christmas until he got enough money to move out on his own. I thought, I can't just let this dude spend his Christmas alone in a homeless shelter, so I told him to spend it with my fam. Sure enough he moved in downstairs next to my room just until after Christmas. Everything went well, the family loved him and everyone pitched in to get him some gifts. By this point we were chilling everyday together catching flicks at the theater, going out for late food, playing sports, etc. My folks were nice enough to let him stay for a month or so until he got back on his feet and if he wanted to stay longer he'd then have to pay rent like I was. Conrad literally became a family member, even my little brothers considered him family.

Now pretty much all of my friends don't live in my city, in fact I only had 2-3 friends at the time that lived in my city. I have a core group of buddies that I've known since I was 9 years old and most of them live over the river. I felt that my buddies needed to meet Conrad and was sure that they'd all get along with him. Sure enough I was right, Conrad fit in so well with all my friends that to some of my closer friends they had that same "ol'pal" feeling with him. Everyone in the group had the heads up about his situation and welcomed him in with open arms. We would all get together and play sports, go to the movies, we even incorporated Conrad in our little home made films that we thought were so funny to us and still are. Conrad was now one of the guys, in fact so much so that one of my pals was getting married and invited him to his stag weekend up on the coast. When I look back it seems so crazy because the groom of the stag had only met Conrad once or twice and Conrad even made somewhat of a speech in front of everyone and the people listened. Not that my group of friends are snobs but if an outsider came into the group making his voice heard I don't think he'd receive the same reaction as Conrad. Like I said Conrad had this way about him that attracted people to like him. He new how to win people over, he knew how to charm and talk to people, and it worked on all of us.

And then weird things started to happen... My parents started asking me if I took any money from them. I told them that I never have, never did, and never will. And then my mother's credit card went missing... At the time I never thought anything of it until the day I checked my current bank status. There were a bunch of transactions that I couldn't account for, so I phoned the bank and inquired. "$300 hundred dollars was withdrawn from your checking account at 4:30 am..." is was what the lady from the bank's phone service told me. According to the bank, this $300 withdrawl occurred early Saturday morning, this was impossible because at the time I was working Saturday mornings and could remember what I was doing that night. I pondered and pondered... I just couldn't pull myself to believe that it was him. I had built so much trust in this friend that I would never assume any wrong on any of my friends especially my closest and Conrad was quickly acquiring that status. So I decided to check my other bank account that I had my visa on; almost $700 gone and unaccounted for.

So Conrad and I went out for some late food one night and I confronted him about these missing funds. "Dude, I never assume any wrong of my friends, you are my friend and if I am wrong then I ask for your forgiveness..." this is how I started with him. "I have accounted everyone's whereabouts on the certain dates in the house (yes, even Evan) and you are the only one I cannot account for..." I said with a troubled brow. "almost $1000 has been taken out of my accounts and... " I didn't want to continue because not only was I losing money but a friend. "...and your the only one I can think of..." I didn't have to finish, he knew. "You think I took it right? I don't know pin number! And I would never do that, I never take money from people, I'm not that kind of person." I really wanted to believe him but I was certain it was him.

So in the most tense and awkward car ride we went home; he acted like nothing was wrong. I had no idea what to do, here I was with $1000 missing and had just accused a friend of steeling it. Could I have been wrong? Was there any way he was innocent? I couldn't figure it out.

Before this all went down, Conrad worked a couple of shifts at my job as an "on-call" worker. As it turns out I wasn't the only one being robbed. Conrad had been brought in by my boss to discuss a check that was written out to Conrad for $500 from one of the staff, only the staff member had no written it. He was no longer allowed back to work there. A few days later my folks received a letter from a bank mentioning fraud with a photo-copied check of $600 written out to Conrad from some unrecognizable name. My parents sat down with Conrad and told him he needed to fess up and pay the people back or leave. He decided to leave.

Before he left we went for a walk. I told him "Dude, I don't care about the money, you are my friend and I forgive you anyways... just give up! tell me you did it and I we'll start from the beginning." But all that he could say was "I'm no thief," That was his response to every accusation. He arranged so that his mother picked him up, even though he was exiled and shunned by his family. Conrad was gone, my money was gone, my trust was gone and my friend was now gone.

This situation troubled my parents so they checked up on him and contacted his parents to find an explanation for actions. To our surprise Conrad's parent's did not exile or shun him because of religious reasons, in fact Conrad's behavior is something they've tried to address for quite some time now. His parents told him to leave because he was steeling from them and the whole family. I found out that the person who came to pick him up was not his mother but someone else. As well, the "acting" jobs he was doing were fake; the agency he told me about had no record of him. For the next month I would hear from people who knew him what he was up to and it was never good news. We'd still get letters from the bank with photo-copied checks; I guess he was still using our address and the amounts on the checks started getting higher. I talked with some people that he had previously scammed they shared the same story: nice charming guy who lies and steals. I tried multiple times to catch up with him but he never showed. However, I managed to talk with him over messenger and we agreed to meet up at a KFC parking lot. When I showed up he was nowhere to be seen so I walked around and as I turned the corner I saw him walking away. "Conrad!" I shouted and he stopped, turned to me, paused, turned away, and then headed towards me. "Dude, you ok?" i said. He replied "Not at all man." There was silence, sorrowful silence. "Did you do it?" I asked. "Of course I did, you haven't figured it out yet?" he replied looking so ashamed. "Oh I figured it out long ago... I just needed to hear it from you." More silence took place and his head was down looking at his feet kicking around stones. As much as this guy ripped me off, lied to me, stole from me and my family, I still after all that couldn't feel angry towards him... I felt sad for him, he really was shit out luck, shit out of everything because he pushed it all away. I told him not to worry about having debt with me, he was cleared. My only condition with him was that he was to call me for coffee at least once a week, however, he never did.

I'm not sure what was going on in Conrad's head during all this. My only explanation would be that Conrad probably suffers from a personality disorder and there's really nothing you can do about that. But one thing I do know is that his heart still feels and he is deep down genuinely good only something makes him tick that turns him into someone else. When I think back about my encounters with Conrad, I remember his heart not his tick because it was his heart that he attempted to hide. But I saw it, and found that his heart was hurting and damaged. So no, it doesn't make me angry, it makes me sad. I only hope that he benefited somehow from the friendship I offered.

(the name of our main character was changed for the respect of "Conrad")

I've forgotten all about you

2007-10-22T13:38:00.000-07:00

I checked out the blog for the first time in 6 months... April 15, 2007 was the last time I wrote anything and that was a lyric post from a music artist. So much has changed for me in the last six months, now that I look back on it.
Things that have changed or developed:

I went to Hawaii for 2 weeks
I quite my job when I came back
I was hired as one of the 2 community outreach workers in my municipality
I no longer stay up past 6am, but now I sleep at 11-11:30pm which is funny because I never have.
I played a lot more tennis this summer
I went to Penticton at the end of the summer where I fell in love with Boat riding and learned to never eat at a Chinese food buffet in Penticton.
I pursued a girl who I thought would work out, but they never do.
Got addicted to the TV show "LOST" (so hot)
became a samurai.
fixed my car.

So ya... I remember when I use to write on this thing all the time. I think I wanted to spark discussion amongst people hoping for some deep input and what not. I mean there were definitely some good responses to some of the posts I put up but I'm not sure I really met that climax of what I expected to happen as a result of this blog... inspiration so intense it just feels good to get lost in that space. The "space" I'm referring to is sort of the gap between thoughts where true and rich peace dwells. I know this sounds a little loose and crazy but there are times when we deeply interact with each other and sparks fly. The same sparks fly when we hear of a miraculous story or are inspired by a powerful message or read about a heart-filled story of love. These sparks are what drive me to be or do anything "good" because getting to that place where sparks fly is a feel good environment. And when you get there, you're curious to know all about it because it's something so mysterious yet familiar.
Now I'm not going to claim that my blog is anywhere near an extension of this magnitude but maybe just enough to hear... a whisper.

My life has become a lot more busier than it was and I'm trying to manage it so that I have time to express. I read a book recently that reminded me about balance and being aware of yourself and everyone around you also how to control that. Hopefully this goes well and in turn hopefully I'll write more.

I think what one of the things I imagined this blog to accomplish was a "pay it forward" or "contagious good vibes" experience. Where the littlest thing from this could generate a chain reaction to someone oblivious to this blog but connected somehow to someone who knows of it. You never know... it could just be wishful thinking but there will always be magic moments (not the pudding, even though magic moments tapioca is delicious) in the most unexpected forms.

I'll Rise - Ben Harper

2007-04-15T13:50:00.000-07:00

You may write me down in history
With your bitter twisted lies
You may trod me down in the very dirt
And still like the dust Ill rise
Does my happiness upset you
Why are you best with gloom
Cause I laugh like Ive got an oil well
Pumpin in my living room

So you may shoot me with your words
You may cut me with your eyes
And Ill rise
Ill rise
Ill rise
Out of the shacks of historys shame
Up from a past rooted in pain
Ill rise
Ill rise
Ill rise

Now did you want to see me broken
Bowed head and lowered eyes
Shoulders fallen down like tear drops
Weakened by my soulful cries

Does my confidence upset you
Dont you take it awful hard
Cause I walk like Ive got a diamond mine
Breakin up in my front yard

So you may shoot me with your words
You may cut me with your eyes
And Ill rise
Ill rise
Ill rise
Out of the shacks of historys shame
Up from a past rooted in pain
Ill rise
Ill rise
Ill rise

So you may write me down in history
With your bitter twisted lies
You may trod me down in the very dirt
And still like the dust Ill rise
Does my happiness upset you
Why are you best with gloom
Cause I laugh like Ive got a goldmine
Diggin up in my living room

So you may shoot me with your words
You may cut me with your eyes
And Ill rise
Ill rise
Ill rise
Out of the shacks of historys shame
Up from a past rooted in pain
Ill rise
Ill rise
Ill rise

when the world is just how i like it

2007-01-23T03:06:00.000-08:00

I can't wait until summer. In the summer everything is beautiful, everything is just right.

Imagine a day
when you have

all the time

in the world...

and the world

is exactly

how you like it... that time comes in the summer for me.

in the summer it's warm at night. you know when your out in a field and there's a breeze and it's warm... it's such a comfort. I love the hot summer day. When the sun is cascading down on my face. Or when you take the bc ferries and the ocean is sparkling. Or when you go hiking and the sun is beaming through the trees. Or being in the shade of a big tree. Or driving somewhere with all the windows down. love it

I get so... at home, where I gotta be... happy.

loving life and loving you.

you especially.

love,
Derek

come to think of it...

2006-12-08T03:52:00.000-08:00

What is it that holds us back. I'm not knitted like the many others. I don't know how to explain myself or how I am the person I am. I can tell you what I'm not... I'm not go-getter. I'm definately not a hyperactive achiever. I don't plan out my life or follow a set agenda. I'm not controlling. I'm not demanding. I am not of a gerneric type.
I see things as a landscape; I picture everything in it's place or at least where I think things should go. I realize I am not making much sense, but to me, when I imagine life as a whole, I would look to the unoticed or the underated. The things we tend to forget or take for granted. I find peace in the quite open country at the foot of the mountains.
Peace of mind and heart is my pursuit and through that journey comes joy. and it's hard to pursue that when the world crowds you in.

custom mx6 snow edition

2006-11-27T00:02:00.000-08:00

Tonight my car was coated with snow... to me, it was an empty canvas. So I did a little custom designing on the MX6.

Love,
Derek

Speed Racer vs Racer X

2006-11-25T09:50:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while when driving back from school in abby I seem to find myself racing with one or two other cars on the road. Now it never starts as an official race, but we see each other going the same way, and being fast drivers we always seem to be competing for first place. When I drive on the highway after school all I want to do is get home as fast as I can, so I usually bob and weave through traffic. While this is going on for me another car will either be in the same state of mind as myself or might just see me zip by and feel like they need to take back their spot that I just stole. I usually don't think anyone really cares and just continues on as they would, however, there are some who need to prove their car's worth. So the car I just passed, an acura integra comes rippin' by me and finds another spot about four cars ahead where they claim temporary victory. Automatically I shift back into 3rd from 5th and pass 2 cars, shift into 4th and I'm side by side my new opponent. I feel like Racer X and he's Speed Racer. He gets a quick break as he cuts off the car in front of me. Now beyond the cars in front of me, one in front of me and one right beside it blocking me from passing, there is a clearing for quite a while which my fellow racer has just taken advantage of. I finally get my break and burn it pass the wall of cars that was in my way. I'm on the clear road and have lost sight of the other car, but I don't dare give up now. Instead, I book it for as long as I can until I see him sittin' pretty behind the next herd of cars like an eagle's prey. However, as I come up fast, he pulls off a pretty stupid move and cuts into my passing opportunity almost causing a collision. I get in to the lane beside him and we're back at square one both unable to pass due to the traffic in front of us. We glance at each other, both wanting to see who this idiot is racing with me, cuz I'm sure he's thinking the same thing I am. All of the sudden he starts weaving right onto the should; is he crazy enough to risk the shoulder just to win this thing? I'm not, however, in his attempt the car he's trying to pass on the right via shoulder of the road, the car in front of him gets pissed off and speeds up not letting him pass. They both slow down in fear of hitting each other which in turn creates an opening for me. Oh how I love it! I rip by laughing it up while taking first place, but it's not over yet. When I finally claim victory another "fast car" makes a move in front of me as if to say "lets do this." I'm like "fine, I'll just burn you like I burnt the last guy, " and I'm actually yelling this in my car as it's happening. I'm wondering if he's got the BALLS to take it as far I'm willing to take it. My only concern is that he's a 2006 Mustang and I'm pretty sure he's kicking at least 210 horse power from a 4.0 litre V6 engine compared to my 164 hp from a 2.5 litre V6 engine. In a new attempt, I get pass him and realize it's a her. I say "get back, you don't know me like that!" it's just a girl. No offence girls but the majority of women don't drive as well and don't have the BALLS to race, cuz if they did they'd be men(I think saying BALLS is kinda funny). And sure enough I was right, she stays in the race but she's too scared to make any winning moves. Even more funny, the integra I roasted before the shestang is back! He easily passes her and meets up with me, I slow down to get eye contact and signal a sign that says "get a load this chick who thinks she can race, ahahahah." And speed racer beside me signs back the same look like "I know!? what is she thinking!? hahah!" By this time I'm already back in Maple Ridge and take a turn off to my house. Before I make this turn, speed racer and I sign off saying "respect mahn." This is Racer X signing off... but you might find him out on the road awaiting your challenge.

"It really doesn't matter how fast one car is over another (unless it's a beater), weaving traffic is a matter of insanity."
-Racer X

...balls.

consider it pure joy

2006-11-09T02:00:00.000-08:00

It's 1:30 in morning, I'm home from working and stressed out about school and money. For some reason I've been letting the stress from school really get to me over the past few weeks and it's come to the point of falling over face down. I read my bathroom reader and the section that I come across is called "looking forward, looking backward" by some guy from apple california speaking about 10 things 20 somethings should consider. It's funny because it's exactly the kind of thing I need right now, some wise advice on life. This guy talks about pursuing JOY, like searching and doing the things that will bring joy. He also talks about other things on the lines of taking time to enjoy everything that is available at this point in our lives. He says "don't be in such a rush" and not to busy ourselves so much in order to experience happiness down the road but experience it now. It was nice reading something like this because I've been so down from all the expectations of life that I've forgotten all the joys of life. I've also been ignoring God and concerning my days and nights with the minor details of yesterday, today and tomorrow. After reading I went outside to smoke a little cigar with my ipod playing soft orchestrated music under the star lit sky. And I finally talk to God while looking up at the bright moon and the many constellations. As I do, I walk further into my backyard onto the white frosted lawn and from that position a wiff of clouds appear from behind a tree in the form of a face. I realize people always make clouds into what they will, but it was the face of a lion with two stars acting as eyes staring right into my soul. I think it was this moment when I came to terms with every burden I was carrying. Things were sort of lifted from me and I was able to smile again. I realized that it's been a while since I've been able to smile about a good feeling you get when your alone knowing that things are the way they should be. It felt like "it's time to start trying again."

CRAZY SCENTS OF THE COMMUTE

2006-10-05T18:42:00.000-07:00

So I know I haven't blogged in a while and I also haven't blogged enough to keep you reading, however, I'm going to try and make that change. I feel that I am getting all these crazy stories and I need to blog them, and here's one now...

This post is somewhat like a post I wrote last year around the same time (click here to see it), which to me seems sort of weird cuz it's like I happen to experience these crazy shananigans around this time of year. I don't know, maybe there is a bigger theory concerning SHANANIGANS! but we'll save that for another time.
Whenever I drive home from school, there is a area in Abbotsford that smells. It's like a jubilee of assorted smells! Let me explain...

so I'm driving, usually with music or funny comedy on the IPODIOUS, and always with the windows down, EVEN if it's cold. That's right, both windows and the sun roof are open! This allows the smells of the city to circulate in my ve-hicle; you see I create my opinion of a municipality by it's odor. There are certain areas in Abbotsford that smell just bunk and yet every time I drive by them I don't close my windows but endure the assortment of ever changing stenches. The area in Abby (just shortened it cuz i'm too lazy to type the whole word but willing to type out my long and exhaughsted explanation. Damn, now I lost my the train that my thought was on, k I got it) that smells starts of with DOG FOOD. Yup, DOG FOOD. You know the smell. It's the smell of opening the bag of dry pet food, we all know the smell, do not try and tell me you have never smelt it before. Now here's the crazy part... 10-20 seconds later a new smell appears... It's the smell of MULTI-VITAMINS! ya I know, I also was saying what the ???? I asking myself (outloud cuz no else is around) why does it smell like freaking MULTI-VITAMINS? I actually have some multi-vitamins in my drawer that when you open it, the smell creeps out, and it's not very pleasant, which makes you not want to put them in your mouth. Funny thing is, in this drawer I also have some shirts that I don't wear that often, and the shirts practically absorb the stench. I once had to wear one of the vitamin odor absorbed shirts to basketball, and the guys were like "what the heck man, what is that?" Ok back to the smell filled drive... now another 10-20 seconds later along comes another smell, ready for this one, it's weird... KRAFT DINNER! In the middle of nowhere! Right after vitamins comes kraft dinner!?? ya!! and it's not that pleasing "oh my delicious mac and cheese is ready" smell. It's the smell of kraft dinner that's been sitting on the stove for like 30 mins. So finally I get out of the smell region but 10 minutes later I enter ANOTHER smell region, this time it's Mission. I think Mission is a worst city than Abby for smells... Actually I take that back because Abby in general smells of cow manure everywhere if not PET FOOD, MULTI-VITMAINS or KRAFT DINNER, you just get used to the cow smell I guess. So as I drive through Mission, a familiar smell comes and greets my open windows... you know that smell when you enter a chinese TNT food market? you smell live sea creatures... yah, shellfish and what not, eel or camel's hump. It smells not so pleasant, like you imagine the idea of being thrown into one of those ginormous fish tanks.... AHHHHH! ya thats what I smelt in mish (also shortened this one cuz u know). However, this smell of fish then turned into GARBAGE! yup, garbage, because thats what the city is GARBAGE!!!!
thats all, for now.... oooh hey, I have another story that I'll tell you about my highway race, in another post of course.

Summer of events

2006-08-23T16:55:00.000-07:00

This summer is such a different summer than previous ones due to one philosophy: Don't wait for the summer to come to you, go out and find it. In the past I have been so familiar with the annual summer camp job that I just expected summer to be there when I arrived. This summer will be the 2nd sunny season that I have not worked at camp and it has been one of the best ones so far. And I shall tell you why...

Like I said earlier, it's all about going out and taking initiative. For example, making plans for a day to see the sights and the shows. Get out and see what your city has to offer you, this might not apply if you live in a rural area like sask.

For myself, the summer started off with an event called warped tour that was just stellar (even I can't believe I used that expression). For those of you who don't know what warped tour is, it is an all day outdoor concert consisting of over 40 bands playing on eight different stages. It was quite a riot, and I caught a drum stick from the band silverstien.
Some other events I enjoyed this summer were going up to the sunshine coast and hiking knob hill, smugglers cove, canoeing, eating sardines (which by the way is disgusting) and canned herring, catching cheep flicks and dinning at Daphne's in the small but beautiful town of Seachelt.

I also went out to sask for my sister, but I already wrote about that and honestly do not want to elaborate again.
Moreover, I must give credit to Mike Letendre for conjuring up most of these ideas, like going to the Richmond night market. At first I was a little reluctant to drive all the way to Richmond, however, the drive completely paid off. I cannot stress anymore how sweet the night was. I actually purchased a set of samurai swords and a chinese version of Jet Li's Fearless. The food at the asian night market was off the chain. Pan fried gyozas, sui mai, and shrimp skewers were not only delicious but cheap. It was quite a show and quite large as well.
One of the shows that I saw this summer was Tuesdays with morrey, which was playing at Vancouver arts theatre on Granville Island. The play is based on a relationship between a student and a professor that becomes distant once the student graduated. The relationship starts to flourish when the now graduated student hears word that his old professor is dying. The play is a very good demonstration on how life can go by so fast that we forget to acknowledge the more important things, which might require us to slow down. It definitely had me sit back and think of the things that I might take for granted. This play is a must see and will either jerk a tear, give you a new insight on life or maybe both.
I also took the opportunity to walk along the sea wall at stanley park and as well see the totem poles and the nine o'clock cannon fire. This walk was great, not only did I get to see the sights of Vancouver but walked off the ginormous burger I previously ate at Vera's Burgers which is supposedly Vancouver's best burger.
Now my favorite event this summer has been seeing The Phantom of the Opera at the Queen Elizabeth theatre. The show is literally off the wall with it's interactive stage, explosions, live orchestra, and magnificent performers. This event was truly captivating, it was like nothing I have ever experienced before.
Now the summer has a few weeks left in her, and there are still more things to be done such as a play at Bard on the Beach and a day at the Lonsdale key. This has definitely been a summer of memories.

The land of ugly people

2006-08-19T15:11:00.000-07:00

you know, I just came back from sask and I have to say... there are a lot of ugly people there. Everywhere you go people look like they've been beaten with and ugly stick and kicked in the teeth. It was funny going to the cafe's and malls because everyone would stare at my sister, Jill and I. It was weird man... Some say I'm just exagerating and maybe just a little, but honestly I saw maybe only 5 or so decent looking girls there. I don't mean to sound shallow but it's just odd going from one spectrum to the other. So thats my take on sask.

OK, you know I could be wrong about sask people, they could just be in hiding? I'm not saying there not nice, cuz they're really nice people they just don't have great gene pools.

But I am in no way a fan of sask, only the thunder and lightening storms and the wind.

Of Sask

2006-08-07T14:17:00.000-07:00

I am in Regina in a cafe with Jill and she is rushing me to get back to the house, eventhough she took forever on my computer and I just started(jk). So I thought I would post some pics of the trip, I confess there not that great and I hardly took any pictures of the anyone else except isaac.
Jill is freaking me out.

ENJOY IT!!

pure heart

2006-07-26T22:39:00.000-07:00

The Seed

My heart, it aches
To hear the truth
To finally know
The word

To free my soul
For what it’s worth
To know that I am
Cursed

But what does all
This really mean
Without the Love of
God

Like growing up
A luscious lawn
With nothing more
Than sod

As seed is needed
So we grow
As Jesus see us
Then we know

It’s really not that
Hard to do
The love of God
Will get me through

by
Patrick Earl

The Unseen Church

2006-07-15T14:04:00.000-07:00

WARNING: THIS ARTICLE OF THOUGHTS CONTAINS BIAS OPINIONS THAT WERE MERELY THROWN INTO WORDS IN WHICH THEY ARE NOT FULLY WORKED OUT IDEAS. THIS IS A VERY CHOPPY VERSION OF WHAT I THINK AND WHAT I GET FRUSTRATED WITH. I REALIZE THAT SOME OF THESE CLAIMS ARE GENERALIZATIONS, HOWEVER, THEY ARE STILL VIEWS BASED ON PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.

There is a church that exists amongst the Christian wanderers who don’t fit into the classic church setting. The people I am referring to are the ones who don’t see the body of Christ, as it is commonly portrayed as a convenient religious lifestyle, to be taken for granted. In saying that, I think that most Christians take the church for granted and the church will always have its blemishes, however, the view I am taking this from is the many Christian church denominations. As harsh as this may sound, these churches give out a commercial and somewhat phony pitch. Let alone the fact that most churches do give a “sales pitch” to new and dedicated members. I have been to many churches as a newcomer and have received this approach; I feel as though I’m being attacked or bombarded by Christian catch phrases and hyper evangelist. I do realize that my claims do come across as bias generalizations, but I believe that the word of God is not meant to be shoved down our throats like those annoying spam emails. I also noticed how nicely everyone is dressed as if it matters to God that we dress to a certain conduct. The worship band always sounds perfect; I find it funny how from church to church they all sound and look the same. Sometimes you will find speakers that will preach a more real sermon and sometimes you’ll find those who preach phony. I see a lot leaders in the church built up to look so great, however, Jason Upton once said “if the whole wide world is staring straight at you, they can’t see me (God).” I think these churches seems to focus a lot on the image of a “good church” which would get in the way of seeing what God might want.

I have seen these flaws as an outsider to some churches and I have also seen some of the same flaws in the church of my affiliation. I have seen a church be separated into cliques where one could categorize them like high schools often are. Groups such as the popular (who are either rich or have a family history in the church), the radical thinkers (more of a smaller group, go figure), the old timers, the young and discredited, the young and aspiring (the ones more involved in church activities, probably because there moms told them to be), the poorer families (who don’t dress as nice), the outsiders (people who remain unknown because some groups may not accept them in right away), the cousins (there are always those cousins who randomly show up that are affiliated by association of family), the jocks (yes, even churches have jocks/ Christian athletes), newly weds (either trying to fit in as a family or married into the church), and probably more but I think you get the idea. I find it hard to be apart of a church that looks at others from a high seat and believe that a weekly routine is enough to please God. I guess you find these problems almost everywhere and there’s no sense in complaining about it if I just remain.

On the other end of this church world we have the extremist. I have experienced to a degree of the extreme sect of the Christian church and have been inspired and yet turned off. I see their vision, however, I feel almost beat up or somewhat bullied by so much aggressiveness. I think it is necessary to be extreme sometimes (we all need to be motivated and encouraged to boost our morale), however, that aspect is only a slice of the pie. We cannot stay at the top of a mountain forever: we must come down to see other levels. I credit the enthusiasts of the church for their courage and boldness: they are the ones who break conformity and create change as time goes on. One must be harnessed by God in all he offers, as it says in colosions 3 concerning rules of holy living he says “bind these with love.”

I guess that’s where this church that I refer to as the unseen fits, in between the two spectrums of extremity and mediocrity. I’m referring to the people who don’t want to be unballanced, sold to, or ignorant. I realize that the body of Christ is built up of different uses and each one of us belongs to different parts in which we benefit in the way God created us to. As a member of this church I find it hard to discover a home in the church. I am a wanderer, I am a radical thinker, I am an extreme thinker, and I am a member of the unseen church.

People need a savior

2006-07-15T10:58:00.000-07:00

I watched Superman Returns last week for the second time, mainly because my pops hadn't seen it and he was also paying. I enjoyed the movie the first time and even more the second. When I was watching it for the second time I couldn't help but feel pure joy during the scene of Superman rising above the clouds with the sun shining behind him. The music composed for this movie is just brilliant and it really adds to the emotion of the movie, I for one felt it. I don't know how to explain it, but the feeling you get... it's awesome, kinda like a kid in giant toy store. During this scene the voice of Superman's father tells of Kallel's purpose and why he sent his only son to save a people who wish to be great but lack the light to show the way. I don't even have to say it, but the analogy is quite obvious. We always love the movies that create a dream to fight for, a hero that will save us, and a peace that will comfort us. I love it!

Superman

2006-07-13T20:59:00.000-07:00

“Even though you have been raised as a human being you are not one of them... They could be a great people kallel, they wish to be, they only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for growth, I have sent them you, my only son.”
-Father of Superman

The church of the Salvationists

2006-06-01T01:17:00.000-07:00

Technically I don't attend or belong to a church. I just happen to work on Sunday mornings at the Salv. Army Caring Place which is also the church for the Maple Ridge corps. So sometimes I hear the sermons (which either of my parents preach) depending on how the shift is going. I wouldn't consider it church for myself and I mostly take an outsiders view to Mountain View(the church). I've grown up in the Salv. Army and have been to many different churches in this denomination of Christianity. I have to say Mountain View is quite the untraditional and laid back church compared to the typical Salv Army church. Being from Toronto, the Salv Army is very traditional compared to most corps(salv army churches) in western Canada. I've seen the massive gatherings of Salvationists in the traditional settings as well as the extreme opposite of style and composure. I remember an image from Toronto as a kid seeing Massy Hall in Toronto (which is a pretty big theatre) filled with 85% of the people in salv army uniforms ranking from soldiers to officers to commissioners, it's quite an encouraging sight to see a crap load of people following in the same mission for God. I mean, if God can do so much with one man... Imagine what he can do with a whole army. Now that's the eastern Salv Army and I think it's more recognized and embraced to be traditional there. When I moved out to BC about 12 years ago, there were only two "citadels" (bigger and more established corps) and smaller corps around them. Now the two biggies carried on more traditions than say some of the smaller ones, however, to an eastern Corp some things that the western church may not embrace might seem radical. You will most likely find these church politics in any other denomination, but here we have the Salvation Army and it's military structure which is taken in different doses across the world.

One of the biggest things I like about the maple ridge salv army, is that they are not only welcoming with open arms to anyone but that they reach out to anyone, including and especially the poor. I love how there is such a mixed crowd of people on Sunday mornings at mountain view; it's people coming to the well, for whatever reason, homeless, struggling families, middle class, well-off people come to this service on Sunday mornings. Some come just for the free lunch, but heck! If they're there, God's feeding them some real food not just the soup and sandwich. I recently spoke with my brother-in-law about the people at the church(him, my sister, and kids attend the church), he was relating to me an example of how God had shown him an example of stepping out of the box(not that he in a box, because he's quite a stand up and very respectable man in my books). It was a Sunday morning and he came out of the office are and saw one of the homeless ladies holding his 3 month old daughter. He was sort of shook when he saw it, but then he was taken down a few notches by God. He held back the protectiveness of a father because God showed him that his little infant daughter has just been used by HIM to breathe life back into that homeless woman. That homeless woman would be turned away at some churches because she might not fit in. Well that very homeless woman I speak of has totally progressed since then, she has so much more spirit in her and it is so cool to see her worship on Sundays, volunteer everyday, earnest towards a drug free life, and thankful to God. These situations are what make my job rewarding; I get the chance to not only witness miracles but to contribute to them.

This is the community that the Salvation Army represents in Maple Ridge.

I like the Salvation Army, not just because I grew up in it, in fact, I think if anything growing up in a traditional denomination would turn one away, however, the Salvation Army's mission and heart has shined through all of that typical crap... And to give back would be a mitzvah, so for that... I owe.

the hike

2006-05-19T22:13:00.000-07:00

Last monday myself and two friends of mine went up to the sunshine coast at my parents trailer for a couple of days. I love going up to the coast b/c it's just so relaxing and you really find yourself collected afterwards. On the Tuesday morning I hiked up one of the foot hills in Gibsons by myself; it was tiring, however, very rewarding at the same time. As you can see in this picture it was a very wooded area all the way up. In fact, these stairs were near the bottom of the hill and the only proper constructed stairs on the hill; the rest of the way up the hill is just dirt and wood slate steps, some which are shakey.

Now as for myself, I am not that much of a hiker so this little climb gave me quite a run, you can even tell by this picture. See how my nostrils are flared from the deep inhaling of catching my breath. However, being amongst the outdoors and nature was a very reflecting time.

This was the first breakthrough in the hike that I could see some of the inlet... just right.

I finally reached the top and the view from above was more breath-taking than this picture. It was so nice and tranquil; I was at peace and oblivious to any troubles if any. I remained on the top for a while just talking to God and He showed me 1st Corinthians 2:6 Wisdom from the spirit which was really cool b/c I had read it before and reading it again brought out things I never noticed before. Sort of like the way you feel about someone when you first meet them and then something happens and you see them totally different and more interesting that you would want to keep searching deeper. The trip was very relaxing and rejuvinating; I was really at peace. It's funny how I always write about having peace and searching for peace, but for me thats the way I see being with Jesus, peaceful, through and through... and I guess that is what I endeavour to have... is Jesus.

On a funny note, this picture is of me walking back to my car aproximately 8k. Yeah I know, I'm an idiot... basically I came down the wrong side of the hill and into some guys backyard. It took me a long time to walk all the way around the foot hill and all the way up the road that leads to the foot hill ( about 3-4k up hill).

The things I do at work...

2006-05-19T15:00:00.000-07:00

Most of the time at work I'm really serious and keen on rules and regulations... yeah, thats a lie. This picture is of me writing some paper work, however, only soon will I realize the need to enjoy it!!

This is me thinking... working, working, i'm working... forget that, it's time for some real work!

The real work!! yeah!!!

ok, now don't get the idea that I don't do anything at work... cuz, thats not entirely true(by the way thats another joke). I like my job, however, I'm not sure how long I will be able to keep it going only due to the fact that I cannot qualify for full time status (which would give me benefits) because I am related to my boss and in the S.A. they have a strict policy against family members working with each other in fear of nepotism. I still, however, get full time hours if I like but eventually I may need a job that will support me better than $12/hr.

at peace

2006-04-25T19:12:00.000-07:00

If you've read about my adventures before you'll know I love giving the lake a visit. It's the best thing I love about living in Maple Ridge, the mountains.

Today I agreed to get up early to drive a friend to work in burnaby because his car was in the shop. The great thing about this was breakfast. We left just a little bit early to get IHOP... oh my, delicious. It's amazing how much a good breakfast can set your day. Coming home I headed straight for the mountains.

As you can see it's pretty sweet near mountains. I had the day off work and there was no other place I'd rather spend it.

I spent quite a bit of time reading my book (Dumas' The Count of Monte Cristo) which has been a delightful read so far. Going to this place always restores peace for me... it's very serene and tranquil. When you sitting down enjoying the view all you can hear is the wind russle through the grass and trees.

And at the end of the day, I feel recharged, relaxed, clear... but just overall, at peace.

Derek.

My Backyard

2006-04-25T00:58:00.000-07:00

Things of late

2006-04-24T23:51:00.000-07:00

What? I have no idea of what I'm gonna write. By the way, this is me at the computer not knowing what to write. Yup. Well I guess I could start updating you on what I've been doing since the last entry.

I think the last entry was nearly a month ago just after I came back from Cali. So since then I've been working full time at the homeless shelter - see picture below.

Ya, I like to goof around during work... besides you can't be too serious at work.

Another thing that happened was my car breaking down, yes the MX6. The initial problem was a failed altenator, however, there's three other major problems that need fixing. It's drivable but not at it's peak performance. It's caused me some grief, so I'm thinking of selling it closer to the summer... It's a lot of car, almost unneccessary, I was happy with the firefly; you know I might just go smaller like a civic hb or even... another firefly? Actually that would be too crazy, I would however consider a Suzuki swift turbo black, the same model and nicer body. Ya I'm crazy, but I loved it and this way I could also save up more money for a sport bike. That's right you read correctly, sport bike, I gotta do it, it's just one of those things that you can't put away and forget about.

I have also got a new place starting on the 1st. My friend justin and I are renting out a basement suite in Maple Ridge. The house is only a couple of years old and the landlords are very nice people that I met through my brother-in-law. The opportunity just kinda fell into my hands so I'm really excited to move into this place.

I started playing tennis with my friend dangerous Dave. I love playing it. It's extremely fun... and thats all about that.

I just celebrated my mom's and nephew Isaac's birthday yesterday and this is us just kickin' it.

Well, I hope to write more prose and pieces of thought, as for now, life is happening. I'll keep you updated.

Derek.

Personality

2006-03-26T01:54:00.000-08:00

This is what a personality test I recently took says about me:

Usually gentle and kind, they are intense and passionate about their values and deeply held beliefs, which they share with trusted friends. Because of their discreet manner, their enthusiasm may not be apparent. They are sensitive to others' pain, restlessness or general discomfort and strive to find happiness, balance and wholeness for themselves in order to help others find joy, satisfaction and plenitude. They are deeply empathetic.
They live life in an intently personal fashion, acting on the belief that each person is unique and that social norms are to be respected only if they do not hinder personal development or expression. They strive to adhere to their own high personal moral standards and are particularly sensitive to inconsistencies in their environment between what is being said and what is being done. Empty promises of adhering to something they value – such as environmental causes or human rights - set off an inner alarm and they may transform themselves into modern day Joan of Arcs.
They are quietly persistent in raising awareness of cherished causes and often fight for the underdog in quiet or not-so-quiet ways. In a team, they will raise issues of integrity, authenticity, and good or bad, and may to opt out if the team refuses to address the questions raised. They are usually tolerant and open-minded, insightful, flexible and understanding. They live for the understanding of others and feel deeply grateful when someone takes the time to get to know them personally. They have good listening skills, are genuinely concerned, insightful, and usually avid readers. At their best, they inspire others to be themselves.

They are quietly persistent in raising awareness of cherished causes and often fight for the underdog in quiet or not-so-quiet ways. In a team, they will raise issues of integrity, authenticity, and good or bad, and may to opt out if the team refuses to address the questions raised.
They are usually tolerant and open-minded, insightful, flexible and understanding. They live for the understanding of others and feel deeply grateful when someone takes the time to get to know them personally. They have good listening skills, are genuinely concerned, insightful, and usually avid readers. At their best, they inspire others to be themselves.

can't rain on my parade

2006-03-24T02:24:00.000-08:00

For some who don't know I just came back from California. Heck ya. I spent 9 days, including travel, going down and back to Malibu, Cali. The trip was planned in early december and I had no hesitation to embrace this opertunity, besides, my 21st birthday happen to land in the middle of the vacation time. What struck me by surprise was all the flack I have recieved from going on this trip, saying I didn't deserve it?? Usually I can dust that dirt off my shoulder, however, it just bugs me how people seem to think that it's up to them to determine what other people deserve. It's been a while since I have actually gone away somewhere for an extended period of time, however, this trip was not about going on a holiday because I deserved it, but b/c I chose to... just like that. Just b/c your mad and depressed about whatever doesn't mean everyone else should be. Also, 21 should be a memorable birthday, and so it was in California.

...so

Let me tell you a little bit about California... It was off the CHAIN! I even loved the raod trip down. We hit up UNIVERSAL, DISNEYLAND, MALIBU BEACH, VENICE BEACH, HOLLYWOOD and THE SHOPs. The food was just mint, breakfast was always home cooked and deliscious as well as lunch. For dinner we ventured into GRANDMA KNOTT's, IN&OUT BURGER, CARL's Jr, TACO BELL, APPLEBEES... american food always taste great and service is almost always more than great. If I look back on it, I can say the moment of pure joy of the trip I experienced was during the finale segment of the nightly disneyland fireworks... the last explosion in the sky glittered and slowly showered down, inspirational music was playing, I was lost in trans of glee and no on could have taken me out of it, that moment was and is mine forever. Struck by so much fun... I felt like a kid again.

2006-03-20T20:42:00.000-08:00

Imagine a day

when you have

all the time

in the world...

and the world

is exactly

how you like it...

2006-03-08T13:09:00.000-08:00

"He said, stop asking God to bless what you're doing.Get involved in what God is doing - because it's already blessed" - Bono on what a wise man once told him

I posted somewhere else?

2006-02-24T02:53:00.000-08:00

I'm ron burgundy?

this is crazy, but I posted a blog somewhere else. Check it out.

http://blog.myspace.com/54873447

the rise and fall of blogging

2006-02-16T16:39:00.000-08:00

A few minutes ago I logged on to blogger not knowing what to write, which usually is the case. However, this time I am just flat out of ideas. I don't know what to do anymore with this blog... I mean when I started blogging it was so sweet; I was feeling a lot more creative with the vibe of my blog at the start. It really is funny to scroll back on everything I've written, some things I don't even agree with anymore. I've written some stupid articles and some ones that stay favorites of mine. I've had articles with angry, stupid and encouraging comments. Now I'm at a point where I haven't been writing as much and my articles are kinda stretched, in the sense of looking for anything to write about. I think a lot of people have become bored with my blog; there's not much happening. I really want it to last and have people read it as well... it's hard to sound original continuously, so lay off. jk.
keep commenting, i dunno, lend me your ideas... I'm all out.

Quotes of the day

2006-02-15T14:48:00.000-08:00

"A life directed chiefly toward fulfillment of personal desires sooner or later always leads to bitter disappointment." - Albert Einstein

"Whatever there is of God and goodness in the Universe, it must work itself out and express itself through us. We cannot stand aside and let God do it." - Albert Einstein

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence and then success is sure." - Mark Twain

Elizabethtown

2006-02-08T23:55:00.000-08:00

I just watched this movie. I really didn't know what to expect, but I enjoyed it. The movie was a real feel good, consoling, and thought provoking film. The music for the movie was great; it just made the movie that much better, and I think it was a beautiful compliment to the story. Elizabethtown seems like a sad story to start off but subtlely it brings new life as the story unfolds. I think overall I enjoyed this movie particularly for the search for happiness that its characters seek after... and this reasoning also applies to the movie Garden State; the same search for peace and fulfillment is present in the movie and it gives the viewer a feeling of comfort.

However, don't let me hype this movie up too much, because I would not want you to get your hopes up too much and miss the beauty of it. It is a good movie and I do recommend it.

if your bored...

2006-01-30T18:38:00.000-08:00

Who has the most time on their hands? If you really wanna find out check this site a friend of mine (ESCALADE) created for his family -- www.operationfamilyunity.com . The edge: there happens to be five or so addictive games on the site that, by word of mouth, friends play and compete for the top spot! Yes! it's a sad situation, yet very fun at the same time. I showed this site to a couple of other friends who found these addictive games a great way to pass the time at work. If you don't feel like checking out the site, I would like to tell you that I, Derek "the real chiu" aka chiulamite, have held the top spot of Tetris with a highest score of 78,051. Fun times!

Quick bloggin

2006-01-29T18:12:00.000-08:00

As I am writing this, I am already 2 hours past the end of my shift at the caring place as a resident care worker. I remain here in my father's office purely for his computer/internet privileges. It's quiet and calm, especially when I put on some peaceful music; at atmosphere of such allows me to clear what is in my head and collect. Speaking of atmospheres... The ellipses I am coming out of has brought me to realize a need for change. However, the change is not so much as a "need", but merely a good idea. I feel as though a change of atmosphere in my life just might open my eyes to unknown or unrealized paths. Although, a benefit this change would be, there are many aspects or worries in life that delay my choices at hand. Some say not to worry about one's future, you cannot alter what it may unfold; some would suggest a wiser plan in which future prospects would be self benefiting and ease the pain of a somewhat figured-out life. Choices in life are hard... as well as lessons to be learned... but a lesson cannot be learned without a choice.

well there that is, if this makes no sense to you don't sweat it! I'm just emptying out my thoughts of late.

"where have you been?"... might you ask

2006-01-19T21:59:00.000-08:00

Well lets start of with some crazy pictures taken by the Matticus.

The first picture was in the back seat of my car; we were on our way to a French garden.
The picture below is of me enjoying a moment of rolled down windows and loud music.

This is me a few minute later getting cold and yelling or singing.

This is me playing bass guitar with my face.

Alright, now that you've seen some pictures we begin our journey...

"What happened to the blog!?", so I have heard, well to tell you the truth I haven't wanted to write in it 'till now. I'm pretty sure this has been the longest period of absence in riseabove. If fact, as you might have noticed I have changed the title to stars of the journey, I call it that because the things I talk about are really just the highlights of my life; the articles I write are things that either I find amusing, funny, interesting, or inspiring. If you look at a clear night's sky the stars are what you observe; the stars have been know over history to each entitle a story or lore of such adventure. So in that sense these articles are the stars of my journey.

A lot has changed over the past couple of months for myself. I have changed my direction in blind decision, and at the same time... have not necessarily gone anywhere. I have been away from structure and have spent time, however, not enough on myself as I stand. I am seeking a direction of some sort, which I am not fully sure of where and how that will develop, but for the moment, in which I am trying to live in, I am discovering more.

I feel like Andrew Largeman in Garden State sometimes, in the area of figuring things out or not being sure of what's going to happen but being content with the moment that I am in... finding peace of mind.

no wave

2005-12-18T18:08:00.000-08:00

I tell you, it really frustrates me that not a lot of people, let alone any, give the wave of appreciation on the roads. It's very rare that I'll receive a wave whenever I slow down and let a fellow driver pass through. In fact, lately I purposely tried 10 efforts to give another driver a brake. Not once did I receive any thanks in return. The only thanks a considerable driver will receive is the sticker on the back of a bus that says "thanks for the brake, " however, the other sticker on the back of the bus will say "yield it's the law"..... which kind of takes the "hey, that's nice" spirit out of the first sticker. It just annoys me when people don't wave... I mean driving in Christmas traffic is bad enough, at least be grateful for a kind soul who eases a part of your highway crawling. Maybe it's just a lack of calmness... I mean, people can get pretty tense on the roads, they probably just need to relax a bit. What helps me is a good music collection of soft and relaxing tunes. Some tracks I would recommend are:

In Pace(paw-chay) - Sarah Brightman, Time to say goodbye
Charlie Brown Christmas Jazz
Feeling Good - Michael Buble, It's Time
A Foggy Day - Michael Buble, It's Time
Concerning Hobbits - Howard Shore, LOTR The Fellowship of the Ring
The Breaking of The Fellowship - Howard Shore, LOTR The Fellowship of the Ring
Breath of Life - Howard Shore, LOTR The Two Towers
Minas Tirith - Howard Shore, LOTR The Return Of The King
Svo HljÃ³tt- Sigur Ros, Takk
Fix You - Coldplay, X&Y
Untitled 3 - Sigur Ros, ( )
See you soon - Coldplay, Rush of Blood to the Head
Amie - Damien Rice, O
Untitled 4 - Sigur Ros, ( )
ÃgÃ¦tis Byrjun - Sigur Ros, ÃgÃ¦tis Byrjun
Wait Upon the Wind - Jason Upton, Jacob's Dream
Whistle in your will - Jason Upton, Dying Star
starÃ¡lfur - Sigur Ros, ÃgÃ¦tis Byrjun

So please, if you happen to be driving, relax, sing as loud as you can(unless you have passengers that wouldn't appreciate your vocal chords), be considerate to your fellow driver even if they are morons and if you get a brake, please give a wave.

Derek's changed

2005-12-14T21:20:00.000-08:00

Don't get me started on this stupid, yet hilarious saying. It comes in handy any time your in need for a good laugh. It's very easy to use; simply think of the person you'd like to target and fill their name in the blank: "_______'s changed." See, it's working already, I can't stop laughing.
Well I'd like to let people know that this is the first year that I have finished, let alone started, my Christmas shopping before the 24th of December. I know, I know... Derek has changed. A new page has begun in the story of my life. I'm jumping up and down right now. Ofcourse I'm not actually jumping up and down, first of all that's just stupid, secondly I don't even know when your reading this so it's not like I have a electronic reminder that goes off everytime someone reads my blog so that I know when to start jumping up and down. Gee.

anyways, if you thought this post sounded wierd it's because I intened it to be... that's right.

Religion

2005-11-23T12:36:00.000-08:00

"I put no stock in religion. By the word religion I have seen the lunacy of fanatics of every denomination be called the will of god. Holiness is in right action, and courage on behalf of those who cannot defend themselves, and goodness. What god desires is here [head] and here [heart], and by what you decide to do eveyday, will make you a good man...or not."
- Hospitaller(Ridley Scott's Kingdom of Heaven)

Over time we see men claiming God's word and position. We also see these men conflict and compete creating a net of politics ( Politics: Intrigue or maneuvering within a political unit or group in order to gain control or power/The often internally conflicting interrelationships among people in a society. ). I think a large cause of these politics is just plain ol' thirst for power, or man's uncontrollable pride. The "church" is visibly in pain; is this due to our compulsive need of safety in religion? I think is it a big part of the church's pain, yet we continue to stay separated and safe while frowning upon each other for hair-splitting religious differences and stereotypes. A lot of these arguments are redundant until one puts the money where the mouth is. I find it interesting how religion has become completely twisted over time. The bible does not frown upon religion, however, religion(or Judaism) in the bible was a lot different from what we consider it to be today. To be consistent with ones heart is not a bad thing; in James 1:27 " Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." I think being polluted by the world is a large aspect of religion gone sour. I mean man has created a whole different society calling it Christianity.

Religion is a big topic to discuss and this is only a few thought on the matter. Here are some verses, definitions and quotes that I found that might give light to different aspects of religion.

Religion - A personal or institutionalized system grounded in such belief and worship. (dictionary.com)

RELIGION The service and worship of God; an institutionalized system of religious beliefs and practices. The IsraelitesÂ service and worship of God had become institutionalized by the time Jesus lived. Jesus himself criticized several of its practices for having a show of piety but lacking true heart-felt adoration of God. The institutionalization of the Christian faith occurred in many churches long after the time of the apostles. Hence, it is not discussed in the NT.
(Elwell, W. A., & Comfort, P. W. 2001. Tyndale Bible dictionary. Tyndale reference library . Tyndale House Publishers: Wheaton, Ill.)

"Do not be carried away by all kinds of strange teachings. It is good for our hearts to be strengthened by grace, not by ceremonial foods, which are of no value to those who eat them." (Heb. 13:9, NIV)

"If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. 27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
(James 1:26-27, The Holy Bible : New International Version. 1996, c1984 . Zondervan: Grand Rapids)

"Hesitance today in using the word ÂreligionÂ either of the content of the Christian faith or of its expression in worship and service, is due to the conviction that Christianity is not simply one among many religions, but differs from all others in that its content is divinely revealed and its outward expression by believers is not an attempt to secure salvation but a thank-offering for it." (Wood, D. R. W., Wood, D. R. W., & Marshall, I. H. 1996, c1982, c1962. New Bible Dictionary. Includes index. (electronic ed. of 3rd ed.) . InterVarsity Press: Downers Grove)

Tetris

2005-11-14T14:00:00.000-08:00

I love tetris. for some it's boaring, but tetris is my life. ok maybe not my life... but i love playing it.
Now I'm not bragging or anything, BUT... this is my highest score yet.
On level 3 I was able to score 60,703. For me thats amazing... cuz usually I float around the 46 mark. Anyways... ya.

Pens From Sierra Leone

2005-11-09T10:40:00.000-08:00

Johnston Meier Insurance Pens are forever...

Is it possible for one pen to last 4 years?

A small, simple, light, fluorescent orange pen that began in late 2001 still performs today. How is this possible? I think of it only today because the clip of the pen has broken off. The pen is still writing great; I used the pen for my first class today. I just don't get it... I mean, I've written with it since grade 11. I've used this pen a lot... It just doesn't add up. How much ink is in this dang pen!? carzy! yes, I'll say it again, CARZY!

Throw your Johnston Meier Insurance pens in the sky if you feel the vibe, the Johnston Meier Insurance pen is still alive every time I rhyme.

whatever, it's a sweet pen. Long live the Johnston Meier Insurance Pen.

please buy conflict free pens

Yerba Mate

2005-11-01T12:48:00.000-08:00

Some people might know that I enjoy tea... I don't really feel like typing anymore so I'm just going to be short. I drink this new tea now, blah, blah, blah. Yerba mate and what not (the 'what not' saying was purposely used for ML) and it's great. I don't feel like going to detail cuz thats just how i feel tright now and i just noticed a spelling error but i don't care cyuz this is short. So ya, yerba mate...ok maybe I;gll give i little backgroung, but really short strill.
I love yerba mate. I like biluchon(chinese tea) and the crazy mennonite';s at my school drink this tea in the wierdest way, maybe not weirdest, . anyway I'm drionking now. what it is, is really strong smoked parURGAYin tea leaves. Apparently the mennonites from parURGAY all immagrated to abbotsford and it this old fad. You drink this stuff in a guampa(wood cup or corcked horn) and drink it with a opposite of tea ball method straw, called a bombilla...ok that was confusiing, it's this straw with a quarter sized thing on the end with holes in it so u don't get leaves in it. Once again... I love it. so when you prepare it people think it's weed or something, cuz it's green. and i keep it in a zip locked bag. and i am so late for class ,,,,..... i might exlpain the rest later.
dang this was not at all short.
just remember when in rome.

fields of overgrown shrub

2005-11-01T12:26:00.000-08:00

This is a very random blog...

Ok, so every morning I drive to school from Maple Ridge through mission to Abbotsford. Sounds normal right? Yes, except for driving through mission. There is this straight road area on the mission highway(it's not much of a high way) and if your driving towards Abbotsford from Maple Ridge you would notice something on your left. On the left of the road is all farm fields except for this one gigantic portion of overgrown shrub. The first part of the fields are nicely kept crops and then like 8 feet tall is this crazy land of bushes and shrubs. There are a few trees that you can see only the tops of. It's nuts! I wonder what is living in this massive stretch of land. I mean, for all we know, there could be a village of people living inside this land of grownover... whatever. It's insane. I'm guessing no one wants to touch it because it would cost probably a crap load of money to remove. It's not disgusting or anything, but it's just weird. You could probably not even notice it when driving by. I just happen to notice it on one of many occasions to school. Bizaar.
It feels better now that I got that of my chest.

sometimes things are just crap

2005-10-24T21:45:00.000-07:00

man!...

too much peanut butter sucks.
no fan while sleeping sucks.
realizing your gonna eventually have to dish out cash to fix your car is crap.
going to class when you haven't handed in the paper that was due sucks.
having to deal with icbc for 2 combined accidents is crap.
trying to come up with a crap load of money in time for next semester sucks.
not being able to BP it up with friends due to early class sucks.

...but not seeing a the greatest friend you got for 2 months... really sucks.

I find it hard to say

2005-10-20T22:45:00.000-07:00

Be the "mad scientist" and test this on yourself.

I find it hard to say, that everything is alright
Don't look at me that way, like everything is alright
Cuz my own eyes can see, through all your false pretenses
But what you fail to see, is all the consequences
You think our lives are cheap, and easy to be wasted
As history repeats, so foul you can taste it
And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it
His life so incomplete, and nothing can replace it
And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it
Your lives so incomplete, and nothing can replace it
Fret not thyself I say, against these laws of man
Cuz like the Bible says, His blood is on their hands
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say, is rebel
While today is still today, choose well
And what I gotta say, is rebel, it can't go down this way
Choose well, choose well, choose well......
choose well, choose well, choose well
And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it
Your lives are so incomplete, and nothing, and no one, can replace it
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
Is rebel... rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel
Rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel
Repent, the day is far too spent, rebel... rebel!
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up...
Wake up and rebel
We must destroy in order to rebuild
Wake up, you might as well
Oh are you... oh are you satisfied
Oh are you satisfiedRebel... ohhh rebel
Why don't you rebel, why don't you rebel?
Why don't you rebel?
I'm fading myself down now...
- Lauryn Hill

Pops' tatt

2005-10-10T22:30:00.000-07:00

What a crazy dad I got! He's doing everything before I do it. First it was the ear-ring that he got before I did. Now it's the TATOO!! People know that I've been planning to get my chinese name tattoo'd. I guess the key word for me is planning... I am alway planning to do something. So I guess he always motivates me to go for it. I love him so much... what a great dad! The chinese characters mean "Jesus is LORD". I'm thinking of getting the same tattoo in the same spot, to make it a tradition. Then my little bros can get it when they're older, and then the next generation and so on. I love it! looks freakin' sweet!

Thanksgivin'

2005-10-10T22:24:00.000-07:00

They throw me back in the kitchen.

Actually I just mashed the potatoes... Sheena and Sarah cooked the whole meal. I'm doing the least work.

OK. My real motives for mashing the potatoes were for pre-tasting opportunities!
Gotta love Thanksgivin'!!

Friends

2005-10-10T22:00:00.000-07:00

I recently wrote a paper for school on relationships and I focused mainly on friendships. It so different to look at a friendship from an outsiders view. I forget to realize how much I appreciate my friendships... not superficial, but qualified friendships. Let me share a few quotes that really got me thinking.

"Place your friends where you would place your pictures, in their best light."
"Woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him."
"Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friends forehead."
"Every friend lights a different shade of my face."

I think sometimes I expect a whole lot of myself in some friendships. I have to remind myself that we learn from each other; how am I to learn something that I already know or am. "Just as iron sharpens iron, so does one man shapren another."

all up in europe

2005-10-05T22:36:00.000-07:00

My good buds are in europe. It's so weird to think that they're all over seas. I went to give my good man mike a call the other day when I realized he was in europe...for two months. At first it didn't really sink in that he was jettin' away for while until he was gone. Dang.
Apparently the boys are supposed to be setting up a blog while in europe. Hopefully they get sometime to share stories of the distant shores.
Europe is something we all dream about doing or seriously plan and procrastinate...Tip of the hat to you gentlemen, you did it.

OT Delights

2005-09-30T00:31:00.000-07:00

You know I never thought I'd enjoy reading old testament stories...I'm kinda hooked! Eventhough I must read the OT for the Old Testament Survey class that I am taking at CBC, I've gotten pretty attatched to the charachters in the OT. Some stories I really enjoyed were Isaac meeting Rebekah for the first time, Jacob reuniting with Esau and the story of Joseph. Now I am a sucker for the odd romantic flick here and there, so to me this story of Isaac and Rebekah is kinda tender...it's like she became Isaac's wife and he loved her... oh man... I look forward to something like that. I guess I could say Genesis 12-50 has been my favorite read so far. Don't get me wrong, I love ol' Moses, but I just couldn't help but get frustrated with them dang Israelites! I was dissapointed that Moses, after being so patient with the Israelites as well as vouching for them before God Almighty, didn't get to see the promised land! All because of in one case he addressed the rock to provide water by hitting it rather than commanding it, which God told him to do. So because Moses didn't directly obey God, he missed out on the very prise of his labors. Well at least now he's rockin' it out with God in heaven, which in my imagination would be pretty friggin' sweet! So I guess he didn't miss out after all, besides, the Israelites end up disobeying God once again.
Here is a poem by some nineteenth-century poet who wrote on Moses' sermons in Deuteronomy.

By Nebo's lonely mountain,

On this side Jordan's wave,

In a vale in the land of Moab,

There lies a lonely grave.

But no man dug that sepulchre,

And no man saw it e'er;

For the angels of God unturned the sod,

And laid the dead man there.

O lonely tomb in Moab's land,

O dark Beth-peor's hill,

Speak to these curious hearts of ours,

And teach them to be still.

God hath his mysteries of grace-

Ways that we cannot tell;

He hides them deep, like the secret sleep

Of him he loved so well.

The Flap?

2005-09-20T15:19:00.000-07:00

Man, I've been busy with school. Actually I'm at school right now. The only reason I'm writing this is because I can't get over the flap!
I don't know why I have never thought of this before....

here's the pondering question that has been bugging me all day:

Why do all polo shirts have an extended flap on the back?

Reasoning? I guess only "polo" shirts have them because I have seen collared shirts without this bizarre feature. Not necessarily the brand "Polo"(I would assume that's where they must have developed the term) but the style of shirt. It's such a weird feature...A flap! I don't get it.

please share your thoughts!

Touch the sky

2005-09-11T17:52:00.000-07:00

Where do I start?...

First week at Columbia was mint! I'm so glad to be at Columbia, there's a really good community there. People at Columbia are very welcoming, students and staff. Worship is great...being in a room with a crap load students just worshiping God is a sweet feeling. Every class I'm in, I am blessed because I have the privilege of open prayer. It's sweet to be able to go around a table of your fellow students and pray and uplift one another. The spiritual support there is nice to have from faculty and students. I used to attend UCFV, and it was a decent university college, but it felt like you were alone doing your own thing. At Columbia, God's presence is welcomed and I have been blessed by that.
one love,
Derek

Where did you go?

2005-09-03T20:41:00.000-07:00

It's like summer(as I used to know it) never began for me this year. For the past five years I've worked at a camp; although it was work, it wasn't really. When your up at camp working, your in a different setting and your also apart of a small community totally unlike any community outside of it. I say this only because every staff member sees each other everyday and your also living with 10 other guys in a crappy cabin that should have been destroyed 10 years ago. Up at camp, you've gone away from your regular settings.
So this year I decided to not work at camp simply because I didn't enjoy working in the kitchen anymore and the camp staff life was getting more weird every year. I finally got a job after last summer that I really enjoyed, which was being a care worker at the shelter. It was great because I was working directly with people and I had so many ministry opportunities. In March I was offered the head cook position at the shelter until school started back up in September. Considering that I needed money for tuition I decided to take the higher paying job as head cook. Eventhough I didn't like it all that much I made the best out of it and found my perks about the job. The biggest thing that got to me the most was the stress factor. The routine of physical and mental labor in the kitchen was just something I didn't enjoy and it got to the point where that work followed me home. I couldn't sleep properly most nights because I had so much of kitchen matters in my head. And before I knew it, the summer was already over. I had some great weekends to just get away for a couple of days, but it was no different before the summer. I hear a few people tell me "your growing up kid!". I just hope I get a chance to go on my vacation...you know, a piece taken out of time, a pause, marking a page and putting the book down for a while. Most of us have been to places across the world on family vacations as kids, but it's not the same as exploring the world for yourself. There is so much in the world; should I be content with just Canada?...I think not. Canada is beautiful, but it's only a part of the worlds face.

wake up

2005-08-24T13:08:00.000-07:00

Someone is whispering to me "Wake up derek...wake up...". It feels like I've been sleeping my whole life and only recently have I realized that I am sleeping. I've been stuck in this dream called life as I choose it, now I'm starting the beginning stages of my awakening.

Some people say heaven seems like an illusion, but I think the world is more of an illusion. Have you ever been in a dream where your 3/4 in a dream world and 1/4 awake or somewhat coherent. Your dream is still occurring but your hearing your alarm clock go off in the background. You don't interact with it but you acknowledge that it is happening...your in between two worlds. Sometimes you fall back into a deeper sleep and it takes longer to wake, but sooner or later you must wake up. Now your awake...it's time to live your real life.

every moment is a chance to turn it all around into the right direction.

What is happiness to you?

I watched Vanilla Sky last night. It's extremely crazy, but it makes you think.

A lifetime

2005-08-17T19:19:00.000-07:00

20 years...Who am I to complain about them,
an old man tells me "your twenty, and you know it all" accompanied by some story of his hard earning life that I should take shame in saying "mistakes can hurt" because I am only a 20 year old young man.
Although, I am told my wisdom grants me an extra few years, I still hear the stereotype. I would do so much to show that I do not fall under such a category, however, my lack of "life experience" catches up with me and I find myself over analyzing something and turn out to be completely wrong. Although pride would like to get the best of me, I sit under a blanket of humility and start back at square one. "where did I go wrong? Where was my first mistake? What was it?" I cannot answer myself, but I know He can. I procrastinate to ask Him how to ride this bike of humility, so I introvert, and become silent in thought, staring at the trees, mountains and the clouds. People seem to think I am upset, but I am only in thought. Then when I am though with "wondering what is all worth? What is the meaning to this social accepting, box like, routine life? Wondering if my understanding can go further than this world? When do I get answers? In a lifetime?", I look up(not down) and finally ask Him. What answer does he give me? I don't know, but I'll find out.

symbol of a covenant

2005-08-08T19:27:00.000-07:00

His will breaks bondage

Fear of the Lord is the begining of wisdom

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart

Answer

2005-07-26T19:40:00.000-07:00

I will be the answer at the end of the line

I will be there for you while you take the time

In the burning of uncertainty, I will be your solid ground

I will hold the balance if you can't look down

If it takes my whole life

I won't break, I won't bend

It'll all be worth it

Worth it in the end

'Cause I can only tell you what I know

That I need you in my life

When the stars have all gone out

You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently into morning

For the night has been unkind

Take me to a place so holy

That I can wash this from my mind

The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life

I won't break, I won't bend

It'll all be worth it

Worth it in the end

'Cause I can only tell you what I know

That I need you in my life

When the stars have all burned out

You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently into morning

For the night has been unkind

-sarah mclachlan

Re learning

2005-07-24T15:59:00.000-07:00

We get so close to God at times and we feel glimpses of what really living for God is like and how wonderful it is. But then we fall away...like alfred told bruce wayne "why do we fall? so we can learn to pick ourselves up again"(sorry, inside joke, only one person will get it). It's the process of having to re-learn everything again that's frustrating, cuz when we do re-learn, it's like " gee how come I didn't see it like I should have" then you realize how much the enemy can really confuse you. It's amazing when He speaks to us...it's like people will slip you notes of encouragement or just say stuff that hit's right on with what you asking God about, or even better throughout your day songs you listen to(not on purpose) seem to be answering your questions and then it will... click. All of the sudden your attitude, feelings, or just your general look on things happen to instantly change and your, once again, proactive about your life. I really look forward to those moments; now it's up to me to maintain them so that they'll last longer and longer each time. I guess it's the way we learn life and God's purpose, well not entirely God's full purpose... but it's a journey. And it's always good to pack some trail mix for the road, aka soul food(really taking in the stuff God's saying to us). So I won't break, I won't bend, it'll all be worth it, worth it in the end.
You know when I say soul food, it makes me think of dining with Jesus...you know at His banqueting table. Being nourished by His very spirit...that's just an image that I get when I think of soul food...and then I just wanna sing, u know, a little soul. :)
One Love,
derek

her again

2005-07-24T15:57:00.000-07:00

Oh no! I'm talking about "Her" again! bring it on....okay...my bad, jokes. I know some people don't agree with me on waiting for a my wife and choosing not to waste my time on careless relationships(don't worry I didn't say dating, b/c if you happen to think the girl of your interest is your wife then I guess "getting to know her" would be considered dating). You see, back in January I had my first (some would classify it as a girlfriend) relationship(or at least first attempt to a relationship). My mistake was infatuation. She was a pretty girl and pretty girls don't usually pay "that kind" of attention to me...so, I was pretty intrigued about that so I took the next step, and soon enough that was all I could think of(or what I chose to think of). That infatuation took over my life. I wasted so much money on her...don't even get me started on valentine's. However, this is not to blame on her, because I chose to let something other than God, take over my life. No offence to the girl of my previous relationship, but I could never get deep in thought with her, it was always worthless chit chat, jokes, gossip, etc. But I didn't see that at the time(heinsight is always 20/20) all I was thinking was "I got a girl who likes me and I'm happy" because for some reason I thought that was what I needed to look for. I just can't believe how blind I was and how strong of a emotional bondage that was. I did try to lay the foundations at the start; I didn't want a careless relationship that I knew was going to end in a months time...well it lasted maybe a couple of weeks past a month. And I clearly explained this as well as that I didn't want a physical relationship b/c it would ruin what I was(and am) trying to save up for "her". Maybe that's why she ended it? bored? it doesn't matter. What really bugs me was the amount of emotional commitment I gave her, I mean that sort of Love(affection, not physical, but verbal and emotional...gee I'm worse than a girl...all emotional) is meant for my wife and her alone. So it does seriously tick me off that I had to go and throw something precious away, well not entirely, but it's value seems to have been lowered. Even though I don't know who she is yet, I so dearly Love her, and I'm praying for her always that she's living strong for God. I guess that's a little protectiveness from a husband, but just imagine if your wife was watching you be all about some other girl...I'd be soo jealous and hurt if it was vice versa. This is why I feel so strongly about wasting time on careless dating. It's kind of like how God is a jealous God...I mean how do you think he feels when we're more about something else rather than him. Why go out for burgers when you got steak at home?

Red Letters

2005-07-22T20:09:00.000-07:00

I just recently read the book of Matthew and there were some verses that I liked or popped out and so I thought I might just share 'em.

"Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." -Matthew 5:15+16
"But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." v:44+45
"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." - Matthew 6:1-4
19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." - Matthew 6:19-21
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 28-34
7"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. " - Matthew 7:7+8
15"Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. 16By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them. " - Matthew 7:15-20
23Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. 24Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. 25The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!"
26He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
27The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!" - Matthew 8:23-27
5These twelve Jesus sent out with the following instructions: "Do not go among the Gentiles or enter any town of the Samaritans. 6Go rather to the lost sheep of Israel. 7As you go, preach this message: 'The kingdom of heaven is near.' 8Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy,[b]drive out demons. Freely you have received, freely give. 9Do not take along any gold or silver or copper in your belts; 10take no bag for the journey, or extra tunic, or sandals or a staff; for the worker is worth his keep. " - Matthew 10:5-10
17"Be on your guard against men; they will hand you over to the local councils and flog you in their synagogues. 18On my account you will be brought before governors and kings as witnesses to them and to the Gentiles. 19But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, 20for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. " - Matthew 10:17-20
26"So do not be afraid of them. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. 27What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. 28Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29Are not two sparrows sold for a penny[d]? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. 30And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. " - Matthew 10:26-31
32"Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. 33But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven.
34"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35For I have come to turn " 'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her motherinlaw— 36a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'"- Matthew 10:32-36
37"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; 38and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. "- Matthew 10:37-39
Rest for the Weary
25At that time Jesus said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. 26Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure.
27"All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.
28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."- Matthew 11:25-30
17Jesus replied, "Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by man, but by my Father in heaven. 18And I tell you that you are Peter,[c] and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades[d] will not overcome it.[e] 19I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be[f] bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be[g] loosed in heaven." 20Then he warned his disciples not to tell anyone that he was the Christ. " -Matthew 16:17-20
24Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25For whoever wants to save his life[h] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. 26What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? 27For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father's glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what he has done. 28I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom."- Matthew 16:24-28
1At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?"
2He called a little child and had him stand among them. 3And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
5"And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. 6But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. "- Matthew 18:1-6
19"Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. 20For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them." - Matthew 18:19-20
14Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." 15When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there. " - Matthew 19:14+15
26"So if anyone tells you, 'There he is, out in the desert,' do not go out; or, 'Here he is, in the inner rooms,' do not believe it. 27For as lightning that comes from the east is visible even in the west, so will be the coming of the Son of Man. 28Wherever there is a carcass, there the vultures will gather. "- Matthew 24:26-28
16Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. 17When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. 18Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[a] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."- Matthew 28:16-20

Yunnan Black Tea

2005-07-22T19:14:00.000-07:00

As the head cook at the Caring Place I have to work out a menu based on donations and then make up the rest from our small budget. So every week we get the regular donations(actually they tend to go up and down and vary in product) and then some wacky imported food. We get stuff like leegrie noodles(who knows what leegrie is), tofu pies, lichee, napoleon pies, and not only do we get bizaar products but we always get them in huge quantities. So like 3 weeks ago we got 10 cases of this chinese black tea(served chilled) that came in like bottled water bottles but with a yellow wrapping and chinese characters all over it. I have tried my best to emulate it's image through computer drawing. So anyhow, for the past 3 weeks I have been drinking this stuff like crazy. I first tasted and wasn't too fond of it, but then, i have no idea why, I tasted it again and somehow acquired a taste for this crazy black tea...and ever since I've had at least 3 a day. So I did a search on black tea and found out that it's actually healthier for you than green tea is. This is what they said:

"Black tea is among the richest natural sources of antioxidants, which have been linked with cancer prevention, decreased risk of stroke, and reduced blood cholesterol.3 Additionally, it has trace amounts of various nutrients such as the amino acid theanine; the minerals calcium, magnesium, manganese and potassium; and the vitamins C and K."

Yield

2005-07-22T14:46:00.000-07:00

So every morning I drive to work with my assurance of life percentage rising just to enter the parking lot. As you can see in the fantastic map I've drawn, the red car is suposed yield and wait until the lane is clear to merge, however, plain and simple people don't. SCOTTY DON'T!! 8 out of 10 times I honk my horn because someone has just barely missed the tail of my sugar(mx6, not official name). I seriously have to speed into the parking lot and even then I gotta watch out for all the shelter clients that loiter around that area!
This particular blog has no real meaning to it....I just wanted to express my frustration.

Psalms 118

2005-07-20T20:41:00.000-07:00

So I was checking out Kirsten's links on her blog and I came across Sarah McLachlan's web site showing her music video about poverty and, well just check it out www.worldonfire.ca

I saw this video already on much but never really got to read everything. The whole thing alone is really sweet and it shows people really doing something...anyhow in the middle of the video it shows a single mother in Africa who's got it pretty hard and on her door she has written PSALMS 118. Oh man! I got like shivers all over! So right away I looked it up and...snap! well, let me quote some...

1. Give thanks to the Lord for he is good; his love endures forever.
2. Let Israel say:
"His love endures forever."
3. Let the house of Aaron say:
"His love endures forever."
4. Let those who fear the LORD say:
"His love endures forever."
5. In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free.
6. The Lord is with me; he is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies.
8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man....
.....28 You are my God, and I will give you thanks; you are my God, and I will exalt you.
29 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

Like c'mon! that's faith! This single mom is surrounded by poverty and yet she still praises God...Praise God! Woe to me!! Who am I to complain about my comfy life!? Material life. Learn from that! Material this! GOSH!!

I give thanks to the Lord, for he is good and His love endures forever.

Faith

2005-07-18T19:24:00.000-07:00

What is faith? True faith? What is it to really, deeply, honestly, whole heartedly have faith? ...Jesus said:

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Now thats pretty amazing...how am I to move a mountain with faith the size of a mustard seed? So there's gotta be more to faith than just saying "Jesus saves", but living every moment like it was your last...but not only that...living in action, intentionally, according to His will, by what He already has taught us and is teaching us everyday. To a point where you can't help but praise him, when you loose control and He takes over, and lifts you off your feet, you can't contain it anymore, you gotta loose yourself, die of self...in that moment He is breaking you apart, washing, baptizing you with the holy spirit in His arms and nothing else can touch you, nothing can harm you in that moment, cuz He's hiding you from the enemy because...you have faith that a loving father will protect you. I use to think that spending time with Jesus through picturing him visually was kinda childish..but does He not say to have faith like a child...

...unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the Kingdom of heaven...

if we are children and He is our father, well then, what better to do than run into His arms and be intimate with Him. I think that deep relationship builds what I was trying to get at to start...faith.

Will Of God

2005-07-18T13:23:00.000-07:00

I’m tired of living in this world of sin
Tired of living in this game we’re in
Been to town and now I’m back again tired of living for the lust of men
And the world may think I’m crazy when I don’t run with them
But it’s just plain idolatry, when God can’t have all of me

I want to live for the will of God
Oh Lord, I want to follow
With all of my mind, all my heart and all my soul
I want to follow you Oh Lord

How much time will I keep wasting?
How much cheap wine will I keep tasting?
Been to church and now I’m back again
Tired of living for the pride of man
And the world may think I’m crazy when I don’t run with them
But it’s just plain idolatry when God can’t have all of me
-jason upton

your yoke is easy your burden is light ...there's refuge in you
just to be with you oh father , oh God
just to be with...my arms are outstretched I'm crying out to you

Say my name

2005-07-15T13:31:00.000-07:00

Ali over liston. One of the sweetest moments in sports history. Ali is yelling at liston "SAY MY NAME!!". Sonny Liston would only address Ali as Cassius Clay, so after this knockout Ali demands liston to acknowledge his proper title: Muhammad Ali.

It's like good conquering bad, God defeating the devil(not saying Sonny Liston was bad at all, cuz he was a very contestable fighter), but this picture just has that "quan" it has victory and defeat...and there's victory in His name. Rise above the enemy, cuz every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess that Jesus is Lord! By accepting Jesus in our hearts and by living for Him, we have received the same spirit that raised Christ from the dead(i think that's somewhere in Romans) ...so let's use the gifts that He offers, let's ask for him to use us, work through us, and conquer our challenges.

By the way, I got this picture from another blog, which by the way was an interesting blog http://www.startherevolution.blogspot.com/
so thanks for the pic.

staralfur

2005-07-14T19:15:00.000-07:00

The arts are in me...and I gotta get 'em out. Sometimes I feel like there's so much inside of me that I just wanna express. It's like my deep feelings, my deep dreams, my inspirations...it's like they're coming from my heart and I just need to get them out of my head and translated onto paper, canvas, into notes, lyrics, poems, beats, through a pencil, paint, a photo, a voice...

I gave up on my art because I thought of it as a job...but it's not it's my life, it's me, myself in a different form. And there's so much of it. I've been storing it all up these years since the end of highschool(never fully gave it my all in school) showing glimpses of it here and there, but never fully let loose...

I know that God has a will for my life...despite what it is...I think he want's my art as well...

My art is a part of me, and HE wants ALL OF ME. In whatever form I can give it to him, my art needs light and air.

Everything's OK

2005-07-14T14:02:00.000-07:00

Not very often do you meet someone who likes the same odd music that you do. It's so interesting, because for a brief moment you feel like you understand each other, or for your part...because we never truly understand each other. When we try to share an experience with someone and they believe they know what your experience is like, they are really saying they might have had a similar experience. We can only experience the experience of our understanding or the communication of the person expressing his/her experience. I can't see the thoughts of your mind concerning a matter, only my thoughts; my understandings are generated from my process of thought. The only exception for this is either God speaking to us or through us. But sometimes I wonder...when two people do experience something so similar(or so one who hope for the other) that maybe God's using that moment for His purpose. There's something so interesting about a connection between two people...no words to describe it. It's almost like a those feelings you get about people, not just the typical ones but the deep lasting feelings. There's some people who you look at and you feel something deeper in them, whether it be good, bad or sad. There's some who you feel so sad for because there's something really deep slowly killing that person inside out, and you just cry for that person, you ball your eyes out cuz for that duration of time you feel their hurt and it hurts you. Sometimes you meet someone who feel to you like they are of a different breed, one of those special people God made to do some of His hardest tasks, they are His strong warriors...pleasant, beautiful inside, so much that you can see further into them, deeper and higher. It's that kinda vibe that sits well with our souls and it's so interesting. The verve, allure, ora or whatever you like to call it, it's the reflections of our hearts. And if we can give our hearts over to God, He can give us new hearts that reflect Him.
The only reason I titled this "Everything's OK" is because that was someone's feeling about a song by Sigur-Ros. It's a great track called "untitled 4" on Sigur-Ros' album "( )", and it really does make you feel calm. To her, it's a peaceful track that does reassure her that everything is okay...and it is.

to be broken

2005-07-13T19:35:00.000-07:00

Over and over and over again, I come back to Him, because I've drifted away, allowed my judgment and mind be consumed of a worldly view, or believed lies of apathy. I beat myself up all the time when I trail off path, because somehow I start believing lies and feel ridiculous because this time was the 817th time(random number) that I've come to him for forgiveness and feel so stupid that I'm at church trying to worship to God when I've been ignoring him all week. So here comes the (known)realization...
That I know he'll forgive me, I know he's still right beside me despite my sins, and I know he wants more of me. I believe it's a state of mind and spirit(spirit over mind) to wholly begin to have faith and maintain it through challenges, because he especially loves it when we praise him in the hardest times. So in order for me to see Him clearer I need to be broken, torn apart, no matter how I may look to my social acceptance, and I need to be humiliated, humbled, and obedient.

in the silence

2005-07-13T19:31:00.000-07:00

Tired of telling you, you have me
When I know you really don’t
Tired of telling you I’ll follow
When I know I really won’t
Cause I’d rather stand here speechless
With no great words to say
If my silence is more truthful
And my ears can hear how to walk in your way

In the silence
You are speaking
In the quiet I can feel the fire
And it’s burning, burning deeply
Burning all it is that you desire to be silent, in me

Oh Jesus can you hear me?
My soul is screaming out
And my broken will cries teach me
What your Kingdom’s all about
Unite my heart to fear you,
To fear you’re holy name
And create a life of worship
In the spirit and truth of your loving ways

-Jason Upton

in the way

2005-07-13T19:19:00.000-07:00

Star how beautiful you shine
You shine more beautiful than mine
You shine from sea to shining sea
World-wide is your strategy
But shinning star I hope you see
If the whole wide world is staring straight at youThey can't see me...

-Jason Upton